Choices, Decisions and Actions

Choices, Decisions and Actions. When given the choice, how do we decide what the right decision is to take action on? What is it that clicks and makes us decide what we are going to do? What makes us take the action to pursue our decision? I have pondered this and realized as much as we "think" about things ultimately its our heart that decides for us. My heart has been torn between what I love and what is best for me. Why cant it be the same thing? I think its gonna be a while before I figure it out....

Its time to put these feeling to print once again! I haven't written in a while because I have had so much running around in my head that I just didn't know where to start. So this is what needs to be let out today! I love someone and that someone is not in a state of mind to return the favor. What is his malfunction? I'm not tooting my own horn, put I think I am a pretty damn good catch. Yes I may be overweight but there is so much more to me! I am a doting person by nature and do even more for the person I love. If I disclosed all the things I have done for this man my friends would knock the shit out of me! Chris goes into a funk and doesn't talk to me for 2 weeks - oh yes, 2 weeks and this is just usual actions when he is in his funk. Finally he calls and acts as if nothing was wrong. Of course it brought back all those feelings I had been working on tucking away. Why does my heart have to be so damn stubborn? Guess Ill start the recovery process all over while I'm just trying to figure it out......

Amazing Women

This blog is dedicated to the beautiful, talented, caring, courageous, smart, amazing women in my life. I don't know how I would make it through a day without you women. People always make fun of the relationships women seem to have with each other but unless you are a woman that has some of these relationships you could not possibly understand. 1st- to my beautiful daughter Sara, thank you for choosing me to be your Mom. Thanks for being my strength when I had none! I am thankful for your spirit, smile, tenderness and mostly for making me laugh every day! Kim, do you remember writing these words to me...all things, all places, all times, us? What more can I say? You have saved me more times than I care to count. Always sissy! Missy-my PIC. You make me laugh, cry, scream and ride a bull. lol. Thanks for the shoulder and the words my friend! Ginger-you give me sanity! When I think I'm done, you remind me who and what I am, why I do what I do. You give me hope that things will always work out......
Mom, thanks for bringing me into this world and letting me become who I am. Paula- there is nothing about me or that I have done that you don't know and you have never judged me for it. You seem to know what I need and when to give it. I love you ladies! You all believe in me even when I don't believe in myself and I thank you! Please be with me while I'm just trying to figure it out..........

Chris - will, why and when?

I have talked myself out of writing this blog so many times I have lost count! The whole reason I started this thing was to say what I needed to say. So here it is in all its glory! I'm not gonna hold it in any longer! My ex husband is a one of the most selfish human beings I have ever met! I spent 22 years catering to his every whim. By nature I am a pleaser so this wasn't a stretch for me. I enjoy making people happy. After my divorce nothing made "me" happy. Half my life had been spent making someone else happy and when that was gone I felt lost, my whole world was different. Slowly after 3 years I got to know "me" and started living, laughing, playing and finally loving again. Yup, I let myself love someone. Why? I still don't understand. He is not someone I am usually attracted to but he just got to me. So it begins....I spend day in and day out doing things to try and make him happy, make things better and easier for him. In December I drove to his home in Lehi 11 nights in a row delivering 12 days of Christmas gifts to him and his son. Is it returned? Oh hell no! Does this deter me? Oh hell no. Why is that? Stock answer "In time he will learn to love me." Why do women become retarded when they fall in love? How can I allow a man to walk all over me and still give him my heart, body and soul? I have worked harder on this relationship than I did trying to save my marriage. Am I so unlovable? Am I damaged in some way? Why cant he love me? Will there ever come a day when Chris realizes what could be and what I am? Will there ever be a day when he's not on my mind from the time I wake up til I finally cry myself to sleep? Will he ever realize that there is nothing I would not have done to make him happy? Will my heart ever be the same? Will he ever know how I really feel? Yes, again I know I'm an idiot! And so here I sit waiting while I'm just trying to figure it out......