Rain, Rain.......

I have to admit that I just love the rain! This is cuddle, baking, movie and family time weather:)To be honest, I really really love the pre-storm weather. When the wind is blowing and there is that hint of storm in the air~I just get this feelin:) I usually have to go walk in the park or get in my car with the windows down and my music a blaring (I know, I know that's nothing new:})and get on the freeway and just drive. With the wind a blowing and singing to the radio I am at complete ease. There have been nights that Sara and I have circled the valley several times on the freeway just enjoying this weather. I don't know why but this weather always brings back memories of my teenage years. I think it is probably because at the end of the summer is when us teenagers were more daring and would sneak out at night and roam the neighborhood. Remember those nights Shauna? Good times, good times! The cool end of summer nights is what it reminds me of. Sometime I long for those lost summer nights and other times I am sooo glad I don't have to go through those years again. I guess I kinda am reliving those years with my kids huh? I don't care what age you are, toilet papering is still a riot.(hope I never have to explain to the police why a middle aged woman is out toilet papering with her kids!!) Think Ill go sit on the balcony and enjoy this weather while I'm just trying to figure it out........

I DID IT!!!!

YESSSSS! YESSSSS! As of today I am officially a Registered Nurse!!!! This was a long hard road that I completed all on my own. Only those that I am the closest with know exactly how hard this road was. I am so looking forward to all the celebrations over the next few weeks with my friends and those that have always been there for me. Yes, this celebration will last for weeks! I have to admit this is a bitter sweet celebration. There are 2 men that I wish could celebrate this accomplishment with. I DID IT DAD!!!! I really did it! God I wish you were here to share this with me. I miss you so much! You will never know how much I want one of your hugs:( Just to hear you say “ I knew you could do it Bubs!” Thanks for guiding me through Dad. And of course, I had hoped to celebrate this with Chris. Just 2 weeks ago he said he wanted to celebrate with me. I had hoped we could celebrate in Vegas. Looks like my next Vegas trip is the one planned over Thanksgiving for Sara’s 21st birthday. Ill make new Vegas memories then. I will enjoy my celebrations with loved ones and friends but it won’t be the same. I keep thinking how he once said to me”Marianne you are the only one that has not given up on me.” I hope he knows I never will! I accepted his moods, his funks, his past, and all his insecurities and just loved him for who he was. I tried in every way to make him happy. I will always be there if and when he ever needs me. I miss his smile, his blue eyes and his encouragement. How can my heart ache so much? I just miss him….....
But for now, I DID IT!!!! I really did it!!!! Let the party begin!!!!

My Tillie

I don't think any accomplishment, gift, love or friendship will ever compare to the soul touching love I have for my children. They say we pick our parents~I can never repay my children for picking me! Over the last few years I have had my share of struggles and I just could not of made it through them without my girlfriends, son and especially my Tillie. My daughter has the heart the size of Alaska! In my darkest hours and in my brightest moments she is always there, cheering, encouraging and comforting! Back when I was working 2 full time jobs and would come home long after the kids had gone to bed, I would finally crawl into my own bed and would quite often find a note tucked under my pillow. Tillie would write letters of encouragement telling me how proud she was of me and how strong she thought I was. Even though they usually brought me to tears, they also gave me the determination to succeed and make a better life for those kids. Well, 3 years later things are much better and Tillie is still there, cheering, encouraging and comforting!!! I want her to know how proud I am of her and all that she has accomplished! When I look at her I always think to myself "My daughter is the new improved version of me. She is who I would be if I'd thought about who I was going to be before I became who I am." Thank you Tillie for picking me to be your Mom. You will never know how thankful I am to have you with me while I'm just trying to figure it out.........

The Girls

I can not even begin to tell you how much fun I have when I get together with the girls! It doesn't matter what we are doing, we have loads of fun doing it. It is amazing how different yet similar we are. The women that come together are from different family lives and different economic backgrounds. Bring us all together with drink and song and we all become alike! We all laugh, drink, dance and complain:) Alcohol, Appetizers and Henna at Missy's house was a freakin blast. Not only did we get a buzz on, numerous laughs and great Henna tattoos, we wound up booking a pole dancing class. Now that's gonna be a PARTY!!!! I really hope everyone has this kind of support group. I love these women and thank my lucky stars everyday that they are in my life. To each of you ~ Thanks for being a part of my life and making me laugh, sing and dance while I'm just trying to figure it out!!!!

Was it worth it?

Well tonight I finally met with Chris and told him how I was feeling. I asked him why he didn't feel as though he could tell me that he was seeing someone else. Mind you I have NEVER been angry with him. There is no way he could not have known that I love him and only want him to be happy! He answered "I knew it would change things and I didn't want things to change." Well neither did I babe but the post changed everything! I asked what he was planning on doing and he said just avoid the situation. Yes, besides that I asked. He said he was just gonna avoid the situation and keep me on the back burner. He then proceeds to tell me this is not someone he sees himself with long term, she is just fun right now. Was it worth loosing the best friend that ever happened to you for a little fun? Do friendships mean so little to you? How could you do this to me? Was there ever a time I wasn't in it for you? As we were ending our conversation and I was crying he states "I'm gonna have to do this all over again." What the HELL? Why ruin what we had for something that isn't where you see yourself? Nothing he said tonight gave me the resolution I was looking for. He was so apologetic and nice. I couldn't even bring myself to yell at him! I still wanted to protect him from any pain! I think its time I learned to start protecting myself! Even with all of this said and done, when it comes down to it I still want him....... I would forgive him and start all over trying to make him happy.... But for now Ill start healing my heart and spirit and try to answer all the why's~ while I'm just trying to figure it out!!

Pride and things remembered

So it is Gay Pride weekend and the activities are endless. Tonight Mandy and Erin invited me to the White party at the Moon. I didn't really feel like going but I had promised Erin I would so I went. Ran into Collet and she was looking great! Athena and Justin were working and I got to visit with them for awhile. Jordan actually showed this time and he was hilarious! We danced our buts off. We laughed and messed around and met new people. We all agreed that "what happens at the moon, stays at the Moon!" I think we all got to meet a new side of each other tonight. lmao!! Erins girlfriend is not 21 so she couldn't come out with us but she agreed to be Erins driver. At closing time Erin is informed her driver is at home drunk and now she needs a ride. I am not drinking so I take her home. She lives in South Jordan and it is quite the drive. I deliver her home safe and sound and begin my trip home. Driving late at night all by myself my mind of course turns to Chris and the crap that has happened. I'm in my own little world remembering things I did with Chris and the fun we had in Vegas and on the 4th of July. We actually really did have a lot of fun together:) I reach for a CD and swerve into the other lane. I correct myself and continue on. I look in my rear view mirror and what do I see? Oh yes my good friend the highway patrol with his lights a going!! He ask me the normal questions and runs my license. All I can think about is this fat ass trying to do a sobriety test alongside the freeway at 2 am:( He warns me on driving safely and lets me go. With my driving record what are the chances I would find the 1 Highway Patrol man that is not an asshole? So I head home listening to the CD that got me in trouble and letting my thought go where they shouldn't. Apparently I shouldn't be driving while I'm just trying to figure it out........

His smell........

Today I actually thought I was going to have a good day. I thought I had cried all the tears I was gonna cry! I am sure by now those tear ducts must have run dry! Well, think again! I kept myself busy the whole day, I moved patients from Friday to today, just so I stayed busy. My good friends call or text all day to see how I am and if there is anything they can do. They all say the same thing "He is a piece of shit and you deserve so much better Marianne." As mad and as hurt as I am, I really SHOULD agree but I don't. I miss him! Agreed the way he went about things was extremely cruel and hurtful to say the least!!!! But there was something about him that drew me to him and made me fall in love with him. I got to see parts of him that others didn't. He shared alot of his secrets with me. The truth of the matter is it is not his fault he couldn't love me, it just is what it is. As a wise friend has reminded me, you cant make someone love you..... So, Kim, Lilli and myself head to the mall for our nightly walking and I decide that with the new thinner me I am getting to be I also need a new fragrance. We go into Dillards and finally settle on something I think is suitable for this spunky 40 something year old. Lilli was good so we said she could sit in the front seat of the car with the big girls. As I am cleaning out the armrest to lift it up so Lilli can sit in the middle, I found a perfume sample. I open it to see what it is and get some on my fingers. Yup, it was a sample of True Religion I had gotten to smell when I was missin him~ its his smell and sexy as hell!! Well, that ended my dry spell, the tears haven't stopped since! There is nothing he could do or say that could ever take away how deeply he hurt me and how cruel he was. But that still doesn't stop me from missing the person I fell in love with. From wishin things were different, wishing he would just call and say "I miss you lets do lunch." This one sure as hell is gonna take a long time to figure out.........