Friends, Family and the One you Love.......

How many times have you lashed out in anger? The people we love the most are the ones that can hurt us the most thus evoking the strongest reaction. Why does it seem as though 1 simple little word spoken can break your heart AND make you mad as hell? I know there have been several times I have lashed out with very hurtful, hateful things when I have been hurt by someone I care for. These things are usually said to my best friend Paula, My P.I.C. Missy, Sara, Kim, Ginger or David ~ my main support group:)

I'm not going to lie, I have said very very mean things out of hurt. I have told secrets, sworn it was over and called people awful names. I got so mad at my sister in law that I did not speak to her for 3 years. Didn't solve a thing but she hurt me and I lashed out by not talking to her.

More often than not, I make up with whom ever it was that hurt me. My temper tantrums are short lived and I now actually admit to maybe taking things the wrong way:) But that doesn't erase the things I have said to my friends and family. When things are said and done, the people I have said something to are now pissed off at the person that hurt me because they care for me and don't like to see me hurting. The awkward thing is that you don't want these people to have bad feelings against the person you love because you have made up.

When I am the confident, I say mean things about the person that did the hurting and usually want to hurt them for hurting someone I care about. Then they make up and I am left with my own angry feelings for that person. But in all truth, we only have the right to be upset that our loved one is hurting.

We all say things out of hurt, but we also forgive. Love has a way of making us forgive even the worst of actions. But friends and family are still mad at our love.Its kinda a catch 22, we want them to be on our side and hate them when we do but then we want them to forgive them and love them again the way we do. It isn't always easy.

Thank you my friends and family for always listening when I have been hurt and say the awful things I do in trying to ease my pain. But I ask that you remember they are said in my time of HURT and don't always relay my true feelings, its just my need to let my hurt be known. As a friend we need to learn to be there to support our friends and family through WHATEVER it is they are experiencing. Even when they have been hurt deeply but are still in love with that person and hang onto the hope of making up. Or even when we go back to a love that tore our heart out.......

Offer your advice, but remember it is my heart that is hurting and is making the decisions. If I can find it in my heart to forgive than you should to. Please don't judge, there is only one person that has to live with the decisions made. At the end of the day, I am the one that has to live with the decisions I have made. I am the one that will pay the price. If I am happy, celebrate with me, if I am sad, hand me a tissue. A true friend is just there, no questions asked while I'm just trying to figure it out..........

Music soothes my soul....

Music soothes my soul...... Sometimes it feels as though the music is part of me, telling my inner most secrets. I so love how music can set my mood. When I'm starting my day and need a little lift or getting ready to go out and need some warm up dance music or if I am feeling nostalgic or just need a damn good cry, music can give it all to me!

We have music playing in our home from the time the 1st person is up until the last ones goes to bed. My music appreciation has grown and changed over the years. To me there is nothing better than a night of friends and cocktails while dancing to the oldies! But I have also come to love a lot of rap, pop, rock and reggae. Who ever thought I would be able to sing an entire Eminem or Jay-Z song?

Mornings in our home always start with music, a cup of Jo, singing and usually Sara and I dancing in the bathroom as we do our hair. Not only does this start my day in a good mood it is a bonding time for me and my girl. The moves and giggles that happen during that time are definitely YouTube worthy. lmao

Now my son likes the harder stuff~ he introduced me to Illusions and it is one of my favs. I'm not saying he hasn't also learned to appreciate my oldies, I still get a tickle when I am listening to a oldie and he asked who sings it then I hear him listening to it in his room.

I personally want to thank apple for inventing the IPOD. All 3 of us have one and they all are used regularly. When we all take a walk together there is usually 3 different songs playing on our IPOD's. Zack and Sara usually have them in their ears while I am driving just in case I am in the mood for something they don't feel like listening to.

Music really does soothe this savage beast! And it helps me think and feel while Im just trying to figure it out........

On the go......

Ya know most days I am on the go from the time I get up til I hit those sheets in the wee hours. I wouldn't say I am accomplishing great things during this time, I am just busy doing a little bit of everything. It seems as though there is always something going on. I have been to more concerts just this year than I have been to in the last 5 years. Thanks for your contribution Missy:) We took Ginger to her very 1st concert ever ~ John Mayer! Not only is he sexy as hell, his songs speak to me! I gained a new appreciation for Red Butte Gardens. What a great place to see a performance. I look forward to the few more I will be seeing this year.

The races were awesome this year! We went to the night of fire on Saturday and had a great time. Even though the races are great, I think socializing with all the friends that come along means so much more. Trina and Clay and their kids joined us this year for the 1st time. My P.I.C Missy and her trooper Miss Ivy were just to much fun:) Tiffany and Nick are always fun no matter what we are doing! (And we do some strange stuff. lol)


Trying to get my house in order is gonna take awhile!! I took a 4 day weekend so I could get things organized and wound up sleeping almost the entire 4 days. Thats some serious shit coming from an insomniac:) Guess constantly being on the go finally caught up with me. I must admit that the new house and some hormone therapy has helped me finally get several good nights of sleep. Looks like me and the Sandman are together again. lol

Today I finished work early and took my Zack to the doc. His acne no longer stands a chance! And it looks like Ill be gettin my lips done for Christmas:):):):) I came home and made a big pan of Chili~mm mmm good I tell ya. My home smells wonderful! After dinner me and the kids will do a little more planning for the big Vegas trip over Thanksgiving for Sara's 21st birthday. Looks like all our close friends are going with us!! We may need an entire floor for just our peeps. Vegas will never be the same...

But for tonight, I'll just sit and enjoy my home, kids, friends and family while I'm just trying to figure it out.......

Instincts......

You know that feeling you get the first time you see a person that you really care for after you have a falling out? You are never really prepared for the flood of emotions! If you know me, you know I am always prepared. This is the case in this situation also. I knew I would probably have to see Chris today as he works for the same company as I do. It has been over three months since I have seen him. I was not quite sure how it would make me feel, but I was pretty sure it would not feel good. So……I knew when he would be coming into the office today so I positioned myself so I could see him but he would not be able to see me. I admit I wanted a head start on getting my emotions under control! He pulls in and gets out of his truck right in front of me and I get a good long look at him. Believe it or not I didn’t hurt the way I had thought I would. Yes, it hurt that I could not touch him like I use to or have that playful banter. I was hurt but my instinct to take care of him kicked right in. He looked tired and worn out. Instinctively I wanted to wrap my arms around him and soothe away all his stress and worry. Instead I watched him walk in the building and I drove away to see my patients. I’ve had the day to ponder my feeling and have concluded I still love him enough to only want him to be happy, even if it’s not with me. One day I am sure he will realize he let the perfect one slip away. The one that didn’t think there was anything wrong with him, the one that accepted his past and present and just loved him for who he is. I hope I can still be this calm when we actually speak to each other in person! If it stirs up all the emotion I was preparing for then Ill just have to go sit on the porch with a cocktail while Im trying to figure it out……

Changing Season

How I love this time of year. The temperature outside is almost perfect. The chill in the air as the sun sets is soothing against my skin. The light breeze that is just strong enough to tickle your hair makes me sigh. It seems as though this is the time of the season when things slow down a little bit. The kids are back in school and summer vacations have come and gone. I spend more time outside now than I did all summer. I really don’t know how I survived this long without the haven of my backyard. Next year I plan to get a hammock and a tree swing. I don’t think it can get any better than that. (Well, maybe a pool with a Cabana boy and a hot tub but other than that…….) For some reason this time of the year always makes me just stop and appreciate who and what I have. It’s hard to believe Fall is almost here! What a year this has been so far. I have lost track of all the “first” I have experienced this year. Some have been exhilarating and some have truly been a bite in the ass. I have many more “first” planned for the next few months and I hope they all feel as good as it does when I put RN behind my name. The one I am looking forward to the most is the free fall off the Stratosphere in Vegas with Sara:):) What an experience that will be!! And following in a close second is spending the holidays in my house. Thanksgiving will be here this year right before we leave for Vegas. And Christmas has always been a special time. What “first” will I experience as a surprise and what “first” does the next year hold? Guess i'll just sit in my haven swinging away as I'm just trying to figure it out……………

A dying art........

I do believe there are a few men left in this world that are actually gentlemen. What happened to the good old days when a man would hold your chair, open the door for you, carry your bag and allow you to walk in front of him? It’s a dying art I tell ya! I have several male friends and they are all true gentlemen. One friend is very much a gentleman and you never would of guessed it with his long hair:) This man opens every door, carries all the bags, lets me order first and always made sure I was safe. Today I watched a gruff biker that was in front of me in traffic that would reach back and hold onto his ladies leg when he was gonna gun it. It made my heart sing! A simple action but one that spoke loudly! I bet he is a true gentleman. The other day I was meeting a friend for lunch and arrived early so I sat in my car texting and catching up on paperwork. I was blown away that in a 30 minute time frame 4 gentlemen came over to see if I needed any assistance. Gives me hope chivalry is making a comeback. Do you think they have any idea how utterly sexy it is? Should we tell em ladies? Naw, then it wouldn’t mean as much. I have always taught my son to be a gentleman. He opens the door for all the ladies, including his mamma and always allows the women to go first. Hopefully he will grow into a real gentleman! To those men who display this sexy trait I say a big Thank You, you sexy thing for making us girls feel special for just a little while. Maybe the rest can come sit on the back porch with me listening to the waterfall as we are trying to figure it out……

Madly in love.......

How did I live without you for so long? I am madly in love! With my house.. lol. At first I wasn’t all that in love with her but the kids were happy and felt at home. Day after day I fall a little more in love with her..yes it’s a her, there is no way a male could be this comforting:) I could sit in my back yard forever. The yard is completely secluded from the neighbors~yes I have ventured out there with not much on just because I could! It feels as though I am in the mountains next to a stream. Everyone that comes over winds up back there. I was planning on getting a Hummingbird feeder to attract them until I found they love the flowering vine that has grown up my chimney and are there already. The Bluebirds bath in the pond and Im sure there is a squirrel or two out there. Sara, Zach and I have spent many nights cooking together in the kitchen then lounging in the front room. Now as for that tub……..OMG! It’s a jetted tub for 2. I grab a good book, a fresh cocktail and jam those jets. I may not be able to solve the world problems, but that tub sure washes them away for awhile. I finally feel at home, my home:) The kids are again hangin out at my house. The sound of them laughing or just lining up for dinner is pure magic to my ears!! Home, home is where I can be who I am and feel great doing it. All are welcome at my home, this home, the home where I am just trying to figure it out….