Always worth it!

As a mother I do everything I can to try and set an example for my children. I try to teach them right from wrong and good from bad. I teach them to share and have compassion for those in need. I teach them to not judge no matter how hard it may be. I assure them that even though we go through good times and bad that things will always work out. What I didn’t realize was the influence my relationships have had on my children.

I have some friendships that are decades old and stronger than ever. I have made new friendships that are almost as strong. I see in my children that they have learned the importance of making and keeping great friendships. Both kids have longtime friendships and newer ones. It makes me proud that they saw these in me and understood their importance. I would be nowhere without the support I have received from these wonderful people!

I learned something today from my daughter. ALL my relationships have had an influence on her. She has told me she is scared to date and maybe start a relationship. After watching my failed marriage and subsequent relationship and those of other family members she doesn’t want to experience the hurt she has seen her loved ones and friends go through.

This revelation broke my heart. Sara is a beautiful, funny, compassionate young woman with the world at her fingertips. She has so much to offer the right guy. She needs to understand there is no guarantee things will last forever but that shouldn’t stop you from making lasting memories in the mean time.

Yes, unfortunately after 22 years of starting a family and many life experiences I chose to end my marriage. Just because it ended doesn’t mean it wasn’t worth it. I gained 2 extraordinary children and years of happiness. I had years of feeling like the luckiest most beautiful woman in the world. I learned to trust and to not trust. I grew in ways that are immeasurable. I had years of experiencing what it took to sustain a relationship. Yes it hurt when it was over and it took 3 years before I opened my heart again. My girl watched the myriad of feelings I encountered and the eventual hurt that decision caused. It may have hurt in the end but I don’t regret one minute of it. I got to love someone and let them feel love. How could that not be wonderful? I had some wonderful times and made lasting memories.

Love doesn’t come with guarantees! It is the scariest yet most powerful feeling anyone will ever experience. You will NEVER in any other situation feel such ecstasy and pain all rolled into one! As my P.I.C once said to me “You cant have the rainbow without a little rain!” Please don’t be scared my baby girl!!! Its so worth all you could ever imagine and more Sara :):)

Maybe we can help each other along as we are just trying to figure it out……..

~ This and That ~

Have the need to purge – nothing in particular but everything in general. Might get ugly so hang on and enjoy the ride =)

I am who I am! If you don’t love all of me, you don’t deserve any of me! The door is right behind you.
I love my kids more than words can describe!!!
I am so over the price of gas!
I love when I get butterflies in my stomach.
I enjoy receiving and performing practical jokes =)
I don’t always do what I’m suppose to.
I love a good summer storm!!
I love driving fast and singing at the top of my lungs.
I love the smell of a freshly showered man.
I love letting my hair blow in the wind.
I am SOOO looking forward to fishing this year!
I will always protect the underdog.
And just for Shay Shay, I am Legend. lol

The fastest way to piss me off is say something derogatory about my children or family. I regret not being more aggressive in pursuing what I want. I wish I could just DO IT!! I struggle to overcome the insecurities burned in my soul from the lies those that I trusted and loved told. I miss that feeling of familiarity. I’ve learned that holding grudges just rob you of your energy and making new memories. It took me 20 years to find the perfect perfume smell for me and only family members know what it is because I don’t want anyone else to wear it!! I smell beautifully unique and I'm not gonna share it! As much as I bitch about my ex-husband, I will always love him for helping me get the 2 greatest things I ever did! Sometimes in the middle of the night I take turns standing and watching my kids sleep ~ god their beautiful!

I hate it when people can’t make up their minds. I hate judgmental people. I hate hearing the same story over and over and over again!!I hate that I can’t make everything better for my loved ones. I hate when friendships have to end =( And why oh why can’t I get that smile out of my head? Sometimes I wish the right thing was what I wanted for a change.

Oh I feel much better. Now I can concentrate on just trying to figure it out =)

Is it for a Reason, Season or Lifetime?

People come into your life for a Reason, a Season, or a Lifetime.....

When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do.....

When someone is in your life for a reason, it is usually to meet a need
you have expressed outwardly or inwardly. They have come to assist you
through a difficulty to provide you guidance and support you physically,
emotionally or spiritually. They are there for the reason you need them to
be. Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
this person will will say or do something to bring the relationship to an
end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they just walk away. They say we must
realize that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is
done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move
on. What if I disagree? What if I feel there is more to learn?

When people come into your life for a season, it is because your turn has
come to share, grow, or learn. They may bring you an experience of peace,
make you laugh or teach you how to love. They may teach you something you
have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of happiness.
So believe it! It is a real friendship, love or acquaintance! But only for a
season! How can it be happy if I am losing a friend, family or lover?

Lifetime relationships teach us lifetime lessons, those things we must
build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Our job is to
accept the lesson, love the person or people and put what we have learned
to use in all other relationships and areas of our lives. It is said that
love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant. Of all the words of tongue or
pen, the saddest are these..... it might have been.

They say people come into and out of our lives for a reason. Do you ever
wonder when a person leaves your life if they were in it for you or you were
in theirs for them? I have thought about this quite a lot lately. It’s hard
when you have someone in your life that you care about then they are gone.
Were they there to teach me a lesson or were they there to learn something
from me? Are the people that are still in my life either bad teachers or bad
students so they get to stay?

What about when a person leaves your life only to return to bring comfort,
love and friendship? Am I to be on guard because this relationship already
has a history of ending?

To the wonderful people in my life.....thanks for being here, I love you
and thank you for allowing me to be me:) Hope our lessons are mutually
beneficial.

To those who have come back into my life.....what took you so long? Just
kidding! Thanks for coming home!! I need you, love you and hope our
journey together last a lifetime! :)

To those that have left my life.....oh how I miss you! If you can, lets
work on it. Together there are endless possibilities, adventures and
lessons we can learn!!!

Friends, Family and the One you Love.......

How many times have you lashed out in anger? The people we love the most are the ones that can hurt us the most thus evoking the strongest reaction. Why does it seem as though 1 simple little word spoken can break your heart AND make you mad as hell? I know there have been several times I have lashed out with very hurtful, hateful things when I have been hurt by someone I care for. These things are usually said to my best friend Paula, My P.I.C. Missy, Sara, Kim, Ginger or David ~ my main support group:)

I'm not going to lie, I have said very very mean things out of hurt. I have told secrets, sworn it was over and called people awful names. I got so mad at my sister in law that I did not speak to her for 3 years. Didn't solve a thing but she hurt me and I lashed out by not talking to her.

More often than not, I make up with whom ever it was that hurt me. My temper tantrums are short lived and I now actually admit to maybe taking things the wrong way:) But that doesn't erase the things I have said to my friends and family. When things are said and done, the people I have said something to are now pissed off at the person that hurt me because they care for me and don't like to see me hurting. The awkward thing is that you don't want these people to have bad feelings against the person you love because you have made up.

When I am the confident, I say mean things about the person that did the hurting and usually want to hurt them for hurting someone I care about. Then they make up and I am left with my own angry feelings for that person. But in all truth, we only have the right to be upset that our loved one is hurting.

We all say things out of hurt, but we also forgive. Love has a way of making us forgive even the worst of actions. But friends and family are still mad at our love.Its kinda a catch 22, we want them to be on our side and hate them when we do but then we want them to forgive them and love them again the way we do. It isn't always easy.

Thank you my friends and family for always listening when I have been hurt and say the awful things I do in trying to ease my pain. But I ask that you remember they are said in my time of HURT and don't always relay my true feelings, its just my need to let my hurt be known. As a friend we need to learn to be there to support our friends and family through WHATEVER it is they are experiencing. Even when they have been hurt deeply but are still in love with that person and hang onto the hope of making up. Or even when we go back to a love that tore our heart out.......

Offer your advice, but remember it is my heart that is hurting and is making the decisions. If I can find it in my heart to forgive than you should to. Please don't judge, there is only one person that has to live with the decisions made. At the end of the day, I am the one that has to live with the decisions I have made. I am the one that will pay the price. If I am happy, celebrate with me, if I am sad, hand me a tissue. A true friend is just there, no questions asked while I'm just trying to figure it out..........

Music soothes my soul....

Music soothes my soul...... Sometimes it feels as though the music is part of me, telling my inner most secrets. I so love how music can set my mood. When I'm starting my day and need a little lift or getting ready to go out and need some warm up dance music or if I am feeling nostalgic or just need a damn good cry, music can give it all to me!

We have music playing in our home from the time the 1st person is up until the last ones goes to bed. My music appreciation has grown and changed over the years. To me there is nothing better than a night of friends and cocktails while dancing to the oldies! But I have also come to love a lot of rap, pop, rock and reggae. Who ever thought I would be able to sing an entire Eminem or Jay-Z song?

Mornings in our home always start with music, a cup of Jo, singing and usually Sara and I dancing in the bathroom as we do our hair. Not only does this start my day in a good mood it is a bonding time for me and my girl. The moves and giggles that happen during that time are definitely YouTube worthy. lmao

Now my son likes the harder stuff~ he introduced me to Illusions and it is one of my favs. I'm not saying he hasn't also learned to appreciate my oldies, I still get a tickle when I am listening to a oldie and he asked who sings it then I hear him listening to it in his room.

I personally want to thank apple for inventing the IPOD. All 3 of us have one and they all are used regularly. When we all take a walk together there is usually 3 different songs playing on our IPOD's. Zack and Sara usually have them in their ears while I am driving just in case I am in the mood for something they don't feel like listening to.

Music really does soothe this savage beast! And it helps me think and feel while Im just trying to figure it out........

On the go......

Ya know most days I am on the go from the time I get up til I hit those sheets in the wee hours. I wouldn't say I am accomplishing great things during this time, I am just busy doing a little bit of everything. It seems as though there is always something going on. I have been to more concerts just this year than I have been to in the last 5 years. Thanks for your contribution Missy:) We took Ginger to her very 1st concert ever ~ John Mayer! Not only is he sexy as hell, his songs speak to me! I gained a new appreciation for Red Butte Gardens. What a great place to see a performance. I look forward to the few more I will be seeing this year.

The races were awesome this year! We went to the night of fire on Saturday and had a great time. Even though the races are great, I think socializing with all the friends that come along means so much more. Trina and Clay and their kids joined us this year for the 1st time. My P.I.C Missy and her trooper Miss Ivy were just to much fun:) Tiffany and Nick are always fun no matter what we are doing! (And we do some strange stuff. lol)


Trying to get my house in order is gonna take awhile!! I took a 4 day weekend so I could get things organized and wound up sleeping almost the entire 4 days. Thats some serious shit coming from an insomniac:) Guess constantly being on the go finally caught up with me. I must admit that the new house and some hormone therapy has helped me finally get several good nights of sleep. Looks like me and the Sandman are together again. lol

Today I finished work early and took my Zack to the doc. His acne no longer stands a chance! And it looks like Ill be gettin my lips done for Christmas:):):):) I came home and made a big pan of Chili~mm mmm good I tell ya. My home smells wonderful! After dinner me and the kids will do a little more planning for the big Vegas trip over Thanksgiving for Sara's 21st birthday. Looks like all our close friends are going with us!! We may need an entire floor for just our peeps. Vegas will never be the same...

But for tonight, I'll just sit and enjoy my home, kids, friends and family while I'm just trying to figure it out.......

Instincts......

You know that feeling you get the first time you see a person that you really care for after you have a falling out? You are never really prepared for the flood of emotions! If you know me, you know I am always prepared. This is the case in this situation also. I knew I would probably have to see Chris today as he works for the same company as I do. It has been over three months since I have seen him. I was not quite sure how it would make me feel, but I was pretty sure it would not feel good. So……I knew when he would be coming into the office today so I positioned myself so I could see him but he would not be able to see me. I admit I wanted a head start on getting my emotions under control! He pulls in and gets out of his truck right in front of me and I get a good long look at him. Believe it or not I didn’t hurt the way I had thought I would. Yes, it hurt that I could not touch him like I use to or have that playful banter. I was hurt but my instinct to take care of him kicked right in. He looked tired and worn out. Instinctively I wanted to wrap my arms around him and soothe away all his stress and worry. Instead I watched him walk in the building and I drove away to see my patients. I’ve had the day to ponder my feeling and have concluded I still love him enough to only want him to be happy, even if it’s not with me. One day I am sure he will realize he let the perfect one slip away. The one that didn’t think there was anything wrong with him, the one that accepted his past and present and just loved him for who he is. I hope I can still be this calm when we actually speak to each other in person! If it stirs up all the emotion I was preparing for then Ill just have to go sit on the porch with a cocktail while Im trying to figure it out……