Great Men Of My Life

Thought it was time to put my thoughts in writing again so here goes…

I was recently told that I have bitterness toward men and it has started to affect other parts of my life and is very apparent to the naked eye! I disagree, I think I'm just a cautious realist! I have written several times about the wonderful women in my life so today I will do the same for the wonderful men that have come and gone from my life.

Dad, my hero! Your words of encouragement, unconditional acceptance of who I am and your safety net hugs helped me to become the person I am today! Thank you for allowing me to find my own path and catching me when I fell. I miss you every day of my life!

My brothers:

Chris, as big brothers go, you are pretty awesome. You never say much but when you do its wise words. You’re not afraid to tell me to pull my head out of my ass or to get over myself. Your practical joke always leave me smiling and usually with flesh wounds. Lol

Scott, you try to act such a bad ass but you always melt when it comes to your sisters. Thanks for all the times you snuck me out and let me “hang” with the older crowd. You introduced me to the wild side of life while keeping a protective arm around me the whole time!

Shawn, who ever thought during all those years of you tormenting me that we would be this close as adults? The secrets we share with each other and the knowledge of knowing my deepest darkest secrets are safe with you gives a sense of security that warms my heart. Your tender loving hugs come close those of Dads!!

David, you are the first person to awaken my motherly instinct. You were so tiny and fragile when you were young that I always felt a need to protect you. We have so much fun no matter what we are doing. You build my confidence and support my crazy ideas. You are a great role model to my children and I thank you for that!

Men of my heart:

Ricky, you gave me my first kiss! And 2nd, 3rd, 4th……You introduced me to butterflies in the stomach.

Bryan, oh, this is a big one! You made me feel special! You whispered such sweet words in my ear! You were my first love, lover and first heartbreak:( You awakened feelings and senses that have lasted throughout the years. I am so glad we are still in touch and on a friendly basis.

Brad, my first adult love. You taught me what a real relationship was all about. We experienced many great adventures together. You were my first “what if” relationship. We parted in haste and immediately felt regret. You came back into my life at a time when I needed you the most. Thank you for still being here and loving who I have become.

Kevin, there was a time you were the love of my life. You introduced me to passion, commitment, adventure and family life. You gave me the 2 greatest kids anyone could ever ask for. You made me feel beautiful even at my worse! I grew into a confident outgoing woman with you by my side. To this day you still proclaim your love and compliment my mothering skills. I grew in a different direction and you were a casualty of my decisions. Thank you for letting me experience love, trust, commitment, motherhood and family!

Chris, you let me know I am able to love again! You awakened feelings I never thought I would feel again. You helped me find my courage again. You made me strong in ways you will never understand. You let me again see the tender side of a man.

Zack, you allowed me to be the crazy Mom that I am! You allowed me to teach you the skills to become the confident, strong, sensitive, tender gentleman every woman dreams of. You encourage me to be the best I can be! I'm so proud of you son!!

Do I still love these men? I will always have a little love in my heart for all of them; they all brought something to my life. Do I regret the relationships? Hell no! They helped me get to where I am today. Am I lonely? Sometimes. Do I miss having someone to just sit and hold hands with? I do. Am I looking forward to a hot, passionate, torrid love affair? Oh HELL YES! Am I actively looking for a relationship? No, I'm happy working on me and my wants right now while having a little fun with friends. Will I ever love again? Only time will tell. Until then, I’m loving life while I’m just trying to figure it out!!!!

Lies, Empty Promises And My Unmendable Heart

There comes a time when you have heard "I'm sorry" so many times that it doesn't mean anything anymore. There comes a time when "Ill try to do better" is unbelievable.

There comes a time when you realize they truly are selfish. There comes a time when you realize you have been used.

There comes a time when even if you are telling the truth, its thought to be a lie. There comes a time when your promises are just empty words.

There comes a time when you realize nothing will ever be the same. There comes a time when you realize you just cant help them.

There comes a time when your heart just cant possibly break anymore. There comes a time when you realize nothing will mend your heart.

There come a time when you realize you have to remind yourself to breath. There comes a time when you realize you don't deserve this.

There comes a time when you have to let go.....That time is today......please understand I'm just trying to figure it out.......

Always worth it!

As a mother I do everything I can to try and set an example for my children. I try to teach them right from wrong and good from bad. I teach them to share and have compassion for those in need. I teach them to not judge no matter how hard it may be. I assure them that even though we go through good times and bad that things will always work out. What I didn’t realize was the influence my relationships have had on my children.

I have some friendships that are decades old and stronger than ever. I have made new friendships that are almost as strong. I see in my children that they have learned the importance of making and keeping great friendships. Both kids have longtime friendships and newer ones. It makes me proud that they saw these in me and understood their importance. I would be nowhere without the support I have received from these wonderful people!

I learned something today from my daughter. ALL my relationships have had an influence on her. She has told me she is scared to date and maybe start a relationship. After watching my failed marriage and subsequent relationship and those of other family members she doesn’t want to experience the hurt she has seen her loved ones and friends go through.

This revelation broke my heart. Sara is a beautiful, funny, compassionate young woman with the world at her fingertips. She has so much to offer the right guy. She needs to understand there is no guarantee things will last forever but that shouldn’t stop you from making lasting memories in the mean time.

Yes, unfortunately after 22 years of starting a family and many life experiences I chose to end my marriage. Just because it ended doesn’t mean it wasn’t worth it. I gained 2 extraordinary children and years of happiness. I had years of feeling like the luckiest most beautiful woman in the world. I learned to trust and to not trust. I grew in ways that are immeasurable. I had years of experiencing what it took to sustain a relationship. Yes it hurt when it was over and it took 3 years before I opened my heart again. My girl watched the myriad of feelings I encountered and the eventual hurt that decision caused. It may have hurt in the end but I don’t regret one minute of it. I got to love someone and let them feel love. How could that not be wonderful? I had some wonderful times and made lasting memories.

Love doesn’t come with guarantees! It is the scariest yet most powerful feeling anyone will ever experience. You will NEVER in any other situation feel such ecstasy and pain all rolled into one! As my P.I.C once said to me “You cant have the rainbow without a little rain!” Please don’t be scared my baby girl!!! Its so worth all you could ever imagine and more Sara :):)

Maybe we can help each other along as we are just trying to figure it out……..

~ This and That ~

Have the need to purge – nothing in particular but everything in general. Might get ugly so hang on and enjoy the ride =)

I am who I am! If you don’t love all of me, you don’t deserve any of me! The door is right behind you.
I love my kids more than words can describe!!!
I am so over the price of gas!
I love when I get butterflies in my stomach.
I enjoy receiving and performing practical jokes =)
I don’t always do what I’m suppose to.
I love a good summer storm!!
I love driving fast and singing at the top of my lungs.
I love the smell of a freshly showered man.
I love letting my hair blow in the wind.
I am SOOO looking forward to fishing this year!
I will always protect the underdog.
And just for Shay Shay, I am Legend. lol

The fastest way to piss me off is say something derogatory about my children or family. I regret not being more aggressive in pursuing what I want. I wish I could just DO IT!! I struggle to overcome the insecurities burned in my soul from the lies those that I trusted and loved told. I miss that feeling of familiarity. I’ve learned that holding grudges just rob you of your energy and making new memories. It took me 20 years to find the perfect perfume smell for me and only family members know what it is because I don’t want anyone else to wear it!! I smell beautifully unique and I'm not gonna share it! As much as I bitch about my ex-husband, I will always love him for helping me get the 2 greatest things I ever did! Sometimes in the middle of the night I take turns standing and watching my kids sleep ~ god their beautiful!

I hate it when people can’t make up their minds. I hate judgmental people. I hate hearing the same story over and over and over again!!I hate that I can’t make everything better for my loved ones. I hate when friendships have to end =( And why oh why can’t I get that smile out of my head? Sometimes I wish the right thing was what I wanted for a change.

Oh I feel much better. Now I can concentrate on just trying to figure it out =)

Is it for a Reason, Season or Lifetime?

People come into your life for a Reason, a Season, or a Lifetime.....

When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do.....

When someone is in your life for a reason, it is usually to meet a need
you have expressed outwardly or inwardly. They have come to assist you
through a difficulty to provide you guidance and support you physically,
emotionally or spiritually. They are there for the reason you need them to
be. Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
this person will will say or do something to bring the relationship to an
end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they just walk away. They say we must
realize that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is
done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move
on. What if I disagree? What if I feel there is more to learn?

When people come into your life for a season, it is because your turn has
come to share, grow, or learn. They may bring you an experience of peace,
make you laugh or teach you how to love. They may teach you something you
have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of happiness.
So believe it! It is a real friendship, love or acquaintance! But only for a
season! How can it be happy if I am losing a friend, family or lover?

Lifetime relationships teach us lifetime lessons, those things we must
build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Our job is to
accept the lesson, love the person or people and put what we have learned
to use in all other relationships and areas of our lives. It is said that
love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant. Of all the words of tongue or
pen, the saddest are these..... it might have been.

They say people come into and out of our lives for a reason. Do you ever
wonder when a person leaves your life if they were in it for you or you were
in theirs for them? I have thought about this quite a lot lately. It’s hard
when you have someone in your life that you care about then they are gone.
Were they there to teach me a lesson or were they there to learn something
from me? Are the people that are still in my life either bad teachers or bad
students so they get to stay?

What about when a person leaves your life only to return to bring comfort,
love and friendship? Am I to be on guard because this relationship already
has a history of ending?

To the wonderful people in my life.....thanks for being here, I love you
and thank you for allowing me to be me:) Hope our lessons are mutually
beneficial.

To those who have come back into my life.....what took you so long? Just
kidding! Thanks for coming home!! I need you, love you and hope our
journey together last a lifetime! :)

To those that have left my life.....oh how I miss you! If you can, lets
work on it. Together there are endless possibilities, adventures and
lessons we can learn!!!

Friends, Family and the One you Love.......

How many times have you lashed out in anger? The people we love the most are the ones that can hurt us the most thus evoking the strongest reaction. Why does it seem as though 1 simple little word spoken can break your heart AND make you mad as hell? I know there have been several times I have lashed out with very hurtful, hateful things when I have been hurt by someone I care for. These things are usually said to my best friend Paula, My P.I.C. Missy, Sara, Kim, Ginger or David ~ my main support group:)

I'm not going to lie, I have said very very mean things out of hurt. I have told secrets, sworn it was over and called people awful names. I got so mad at my sister in law that I did not speak to her for 3 years. Didn't solve a thing but she hurt me and I lashed out by not talking to her.

More often than not, I make up with whom ever it was that hurt me. My temper tantrums are short lived and I now actually admit to maybe taking things the wrong way:) But that doesn't erase the things I have said to my friends and family. When things are said and done, the people I have said something to are now pissed off at the person that hurt me because they care for me and don't like to see me hurting. The awkward thing is that you don't want these people to have bad feelings against the person you love because you have made up.

When I am the confident, I say mean things about the person that did the hurting and usually want to hurt them for hurting someone I care about. Then they make up and I am left with my own angry feelings for that person. But in all truth, we only have the right to be upset that our loved one is hurting.

We all say things out of hurt, but we also forgive. Love has a way of making us forgive even the worst of actions. But friends and family are still mad at our love.Its kinda a catch 22, we want them to be on our side and hate them when we do but then we want them to forgive them and love them again the way we do. It isn't always easy.

Thank you my friends and family for always listening when I have been hurt and say the awful things I do in trying to ease my pain. But I ask that you remember they are said in my time of HURT and don't always relay my true feelings, its just my need to let my hurt be known. As a friend we need to learn to be there to support our friends and family through WHATEVER it is they are experiencing. Even when they have been hurt deeply but are still in love with that person and hang onto the hope of making up. Or even when we go back to a love that tore our heart out.......

Offer your advice, but remember it is my heart that is hurting and is making the decisions. If I can find it in my heart to forgive than you should to. Please don't judge, there is only one person that has to live with the decisions made. At the end of the day, I am the one that has to live with the decisions I have made. I am the one that will pay the price. If I am happy, celebrate with me, if I am sad, hand me a tissue. A true friend is just there, no questions asked while I'm just trying to figure it out..........

Music soothes my soul....

Music soothes my soul...... Sometimes it feels as though the music is part of me, telling my inner most secrets. I so love how music can set my mood. When I'm starting my day and need a little lift or getting ready to go out and need some warm up dance music or if I am feeling nostalgic or just need a damn good cry, music can give it all to me!

We have music playing in our home from the time the 1st person is up until the last ones goes to bed. My music appreciation has grown and changed over the years. To me there is nothing better than a night of friends and cocktails while dancing to the oldies! But I have also come to love a lot of rap, pop, rock and reggae. Who ever thought I would be able to sing an entire Eminem or Jay-Z song?

Mornings in our home always start with music, a cup of Jo, singing and usually Sara and I dancing in the bathroom as we do our hair. Not only does this start my day in a good mood it is a bonding time for me and my girl. The moves and giggles that happen during that time are definitely YouTube worthy. lmao

Now my son likes the harder stuff~ he introduced me to Illusions and it is one of my favs. I'm not saying he hasn't also learned to appreciate my oldies, I still get a tickle when I am listening to a oldie and he asked who sings it then I hear him listening to it in his room.

I personally want to thank apple for inventing the IPOD. All 3 of us have one and they all are used regularly. When we all take a walk together there is usually 3 different songs playing on our IPOD's. Zack and Sara usually have them in their ears while I am driving just in case I am in the mood for something they don't feel like listening to.

Music really does soothe this savage beast! And it helps me think and feel while Im just trying to figure it out........