Friday, July 19, 2013

The End of A Love Story

Tonight I sit here with a very heavy heart. Last night Chris and I parted ways. Things will never be the same. I told him I cant be his friend, I tried that and I love him to much to just be friends. Not two weeks ago Chris said he would give me more and have a stronger relationship with me. God did that make my heart sing!!! Well that was short lived! Chris immediately started acting weird. I go to his house to see what his malfunction is and he tells me that the day after he agreed to give me more, he started to feel "trapped". Now all I ever asked of him was to be with me and let me love and care for him. He actually said hearing the "Love" wrd is a trigger for him. I dont think he has ever felt love, what could it possibly trigger??? Now lets recap the last 5 years. Every time Chris has a problem, he calls me. Every time Chris needs his ego stroked, he calls me. Every time Chris is lonely, he calls me. Every time Chris needs a job reference, a new resume, a pat on the back or just a sympathetic ear, he calls me. He even sent me emails stating how much he missed me when he was with Brooke, the woman he cheated on me with. He would call me and complain about how unhappy he was with her and what a mistake he made. Last night started out with him telling me not to give up on him and ended with him plugging his ears not wanting to hear me say its over then leaving his own house while I try to compose myself in the other room. He is such a pussy he didnt want to face my tears and hear me say "goodbye". He sent his son to tell me he wont came home until I leave. A 6'6" man couldnt face this 5'0" woman!!! And I use to feel safe with him by my side? I probably would of wound up protecting him! This truly is the end of a 5 year relationship I lovingly cultured. How it got here I will never really understand:( But I will replay it many many times while Im just trying to figure it out........

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

What A Girl Wants

Remember back when you were a young girl and you and your friends would make a list of all the great attributes your future husband would have? Remember the list you would write about all the things you required to have a happy life? Things like: tall dark and handsome, blue eyes, 6 foot tall, president or CEO of a company or a Doctor. You had to live in a house with a pool and a white picket fence. You would have 3.5 children and a yellow lab. Your children would have perfect complexions, perfectly straight white teeth and be Captain of the football team or Head Cheerleader. Your husband would swoop in the door from work, plant a ever so delicate kiss on your lips and continue on to the den to play with the children until dinner time. Blah blah blah:) Is this how your life played out? It sure as hell isn't how mine did!

I was the one to solve all the problems in our house. I was the one that fixed the drain. I was the one to entertain those kids around the clock while the old man snored away in the recliner after devouring the delicious meal I cooked in the crock pot while I was at work all day! We lived in an apartment way to long and I never did get my white picked fence or yellow lab:(

What did I get? I got 22 years of happy, sad, funny, troublesome and loving memories. I got the 2 greatest kids a Mom could ask for! Do they have perfect teeth? Nope but their smile can melt my heart! I got 3 beautiful white Miniature American Huskies that became my best friends! I got friends that have been there even when the should not of been. I got a life lived in the moment and the love of many great people! I got the education to land my dream job.

If I were to write that list today, what would be on it? I want for my children to follow their dreams and have the chance to see the world. I want my family and friends to find riches and happiness in all that they do. I want to continue working my dream job and paying it forward. Do I still want the prince? Actually all I want is a great guy that has the same family values that I do. A guy that is happy just lounging on the couch watching movies with me. A guy that works hard and knows the rewards of his hard work. A guy that will hold my hand as we window shop. A guy that believes in me the way I would believe in him. A guy that is happy just hanging out and being together. A guy that loves being my travel buddy.

Yes, with the passing of years my list has drastically changed! With the passing of time I now truly appreciate and love the small things. What does this girl want? World happiness, a cure for diseases that take away our loved ones and someone to sit on the porch swing with holding hands and planning our next adventure. But in the mean time, Ill continue doing what I love and seeing new places while Im just trying to figure it out......

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Great Men Of My Life

Thought it was time to put my thoughts in writing again so here goes…

I was recently told that I have bitterness toward men and it has started to affect other parts of my life and is very apparent to the naked eye! I disagree, I think I'm just a cautious realist! I have written several times about the wonderful women in my life so today I will do the same for the wonderful men that have come and gone from my life.

Dad, my hero! Your words of encouragement, unconditional acceptance of who I am and your safety net hugs helped me to become the person I am today! Thank you for allowing me to find my own path and catching me when I fell. I miss you every day of my life!

My brothers:

Chris, as big brothers go, you are pretty awesome. You never say much but when you do its wise words. You’re not afraid to tell me to pull my head out of my ass or to get over myself. Your practical joke always leave me smiling and usually with flesh wounds. Lol

Scott, you try to act such a bad ass but you always melt when it comes to your sisters. Thanks for all the times you snuck me out and let me “hang” with the older crowd. You introduced me to the wild side of life while keeping a protective arm around me the whole time!

Shawn, who ever thought during all those years of you tormenting me that we would be this close as adults? The secrets we share with each other and the knowledge of knowing my deepest darkest secrets are safe with you gives a sense of security that warms my heart. Your tender loving hugs come close those of Dads!!

David, you are the first person to awaken my motherly instinct. You were so tiny and fragile when you were young that I always felt a need to protect you. We have so much fun no matter what we are doing. You build my confidence and support my crazy ideas. You are a great role model to my children and I thank you for that!

Men of my heart:

Ricky, you gave me my first kiss! And 2nd, 3rd, 4th……You introduced me to butterflies in the stomach.

Bryan, oh, this is a big one! You made me feel special! You whispered such sweet words in my ear! You were my first love, lover and first heartbreak:( You awakened feelings and senses that have lasted throughout the years. I am so glad we are still in touch and on a friendly basis.

Brad, my first adult love. You taught me what a real relationship was all about. We experienced many great adventures together. You were my first “what if” relationship. We parted in haste and immediately felt regret. You came back into my life at a time when I needed you the most. Thank you for still being here and loving who I have become.

Kevin, there was a time you were the love of my life. You introduced me to passion, commitment, adventure and family life. You gave me the 2 greatest kids anyone could ever ask for. You made me feel beautiful even at my worse! I grew into a confident outgoing woman with you by my side. To this day you still proclaim your love and compliment my mothering skills. I grew in a different direction and you were a casualty of my decisions. Thank you for letting me experience love, trust, commitment, motherhood and family!

Chris, you let me know I am able to love again! You awakened feelings I never thought I would feel again. You helped me find my courage again. You made me strong in ways you will never understand. You let me again see the tender side of a man.

Zack, you allowed me to be the crazy Mom that I am! You allowed me to teach you the skills to become the confident, strong, sensitive, tender gentleman every woman dreams of. You encourage me to be the best I can be! I'm so proud of you son!!

Do I still love these men? I will always have a little love in my heart for all of them; they all brought something to my life. Do I regret the relationships? Hell no! They helped me get to where I am today. Am I lonely? Sometimes. Do I miss having someone to just sit and hold hands with? I do. Am I looking forward to a hot, passionate, torrid love affair? Oh HELL YES! Am I actively looking for a relationship? No, I'm happy working on me and my wants right now while having a little fun with friends. Will I ever love again? Only time will tell. Until then, I’m loving life while I’m just trying to figure it out!!!!

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Lies, Empty Promises And My Unmendable Heart

There comes a time when you have heard "I'm sorry" so many times that it doesn't mean anything anymore. There comes a time when "Ill try to do better" is unbelievable.

There comes a time when you realize they truly are selfish. There comes a time when you realize you have been used.

There comes a time when even if you are telling the truth, its thought to be a lie. There comes a time when your promises are just empty words.

There comes a time when you realize nothing will ever be the same. There comes a time when you realize you just cant help them.

There comes a time when your heart just cant possibly break anymore. There comes a time when you realize nothing will mend your heart.

There come a time when you realize you have to remind yourself to breath. There comes a time when you realize you don't deserve this.

There comes a time when you have to let go.....That time is today......please understand I'm just trying to figure it out.......

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Always worth it!

As a mother I do everything I can to try and set an example for my children. I try to teach them right from wrong and good from bad. I teach them to share and have compassion for those in need. I teach them to not judge no matter how hard it may be. I assure them that even though we go through good times and bad that things will always work out. What I didn’t realize was the influence my relationships have had on my children.

I have some friendships that are decades old and stronger than ever. I have made new friendships that are almost as strong. I see in my children that they have learned the importance of making and keeping great friendships. Both kids have longtime friendships and newer ones. It makes me proud that they saw these in me and understood their importance. I would be nowhere without the support I have received from these wonderful people!

I learned something today from my daughter. ALL my relationships have had an influence on her. She has told me she is scared to date and maybe start a relationship. After watching my failed marriage and subsequent relationship and those of other family members she doesn’t want to experience the hurt she has seen her loved ones and friends go through.

This revelation broke my heart. Sara is a beautiful, funny, compassionate young woman with the world at her fingertips. She has so much to offer the right guy. She needs to understand there is no guarantee things will last forever but that shouldn’t stop you from making lasting memories in the mean time.

Yes, unfortunately after 22 years of starting a family and many life experiences I chose to end my marriage. Just because it ended doesn’t mean it wasn’t worth it. I gained 2 extraordinary children and years of happiness. I had years of feeling like the luckiest most beautiful woman in the world. I learned to trust and to not trust. I grew in ways that are immeasurable. I had years of experiencing what it took to sustain a relationship. Yes it hurt when it was over and it took 3 years before I opened my heart again. My girl watched the myriad of feelings I encountered and the eventual hurt that decision caused. It may have hurt in the end but I don’t regret one minute of it. I got to love someone and let them feel love. How could that not be wonderful? I had some wonderful times and made lasting memories.

Love doesn’t come with guarantees! It is the scariest yet most powerful feeling anyone will ever experience. You will NEVER in any other situation feel such ecstasy and pain all rolled into one! As my P.I.C once said to me “You cant have the rainbow without a little rain!” Please don’t be scared my baby girl!!! Its so worth all you could ever imagine and more Sara :):)

Maybe we can help each other along as we are just trying to figure it out……..

Saturday, February 19, 2011

~ This and That ~

Have the need to purge – nothing in particular but everything in general. Might get ugly so hang on and enjoy the ride =)

I am who I am! If you don’t love all of me, you don’t deserve any of me! The door is right behind you.
I love my kids more than words can describe!!!
I am so over the price of gas!
I love when I get butterflies in my stomach.
I enjoy receiving and performing practical jokes =)
I don’t always do what I’m suppose to.
I love a good summer storm!!
I love driving fast and singing at the top of my lungs.
I love the smell of a freshly showered man.
I love letting my hair blow in the wind.
I am SOOO looking forward to fishing this year!
I will always protect the underdog.
And just for Shay Shay, I am Legend. lol

The fastest way to piss me off is say something derogatory about my children or family. I regret not being more aggressive in pursuing what I want. I wish I could just DO IT!! I struggle to overcome the insecurities burned in my soul from the lies those that I trusted and loved told. I miss that feeling of familiarity. I’ve learned that holding grudges just rob you of your energy and making new memories. It took me 20 years to find the perfect perfume smell for me and only family members know what it is because I don’t want anyone else to wear it!! I smell beautifully unique and I'm not gonna share it! As much as I bitch about my ex-husband, I will always love him for helping me get the 2 greatest things I ever did! Sometimes in the middle of the night I take turns standing and watching my kids sleep ~ god their beautiful!

I hate it when people can’t make up their minds. I hate judgmental people. I hate hearing the same story over and over and over again!!I hate that I can’t make everything better for my loved ones. I hate when friendships have to end =( And why oh why can’t I get that smile out of my head? Sometimes I wish the right thing was what I wanted for a change.

Oh I feel much better. Now I can concentrate on just trying to figure it out =)

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Is it for a Reason, Season or Lifetime?

People come into your life for a Reason, a Season, or a Lifetime.....

When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do.....

When someone is in your life for a reason, it is usually to meet a need
you have expressed outwardly or inwardly. They have come to assist you
through a difficulty to provide you guidance and support you physically,
emotionally or spiritually. They are there for the reason you need them to
be. Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
this person will will say or do something to bring the relationship to an
end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they just walk away. They say we must
realize that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is
done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move
on. What if I disagree? What if I feel there is more to learn?

When people come into your life for a season, it is because your turn has
come to share, grow, or learn. They may bring you an experience of peace,
make you laugh or teach you how to love. They may teach you something you
have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of happiness.
So believe it! It is a real friendship, love or acquaintance! But only for a
season! How can it be happy if I am losing a friend, family or lover?

Lifetime relationships teach us lifetime lessons, those things we must
build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Our job is to
accept the lesson, love the person or people and put what we have learned
to use in all other relationships and areas of our lives. It is said that
love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant. Of all the words of tongue or
pen, the saddest are these..... it might have been.

They say people come into and out of our lives for a reason. Do you ever
wonder when a person leaves your life if they were in it for you or you were
in theirs for them? I have thought about this quite a lot lately. It’s hard
when you have someone in your life that you care about then they are gone.
Were they there to teach me a lesson or were they there to learn something
from me? Are the people that are still in my life either bad teachers or bad
students so they get to stay?

What about when a person leaves your life only to return to bring comfort,
love and friendship? Am I to be on guard because this relationship already
has a history of ending?

To the wonderful people in my life.....thanks for being here, I love you
and thank you for allowing me to be me:) Hope our lessons are mutually

To those who have come back into my life.....what took you so long? Just
kidding! Thanks for coming home!! I need you, love you and hope our
journey together last a lifetime! :)

To those that have left my life.....oh how I miss you! If you can, lets
work on it. Together there are endless possibilities, adventures and
lessons we can learn!!!