Friday, June 25, 2010

Its back and its staying:)

"Because things are the way they are, things will not stay the way they are." I don't know why but this quote has been running around in my head for several months. It would pop into my thoughts at the oddest times. It has been in my thoughts for the last few days. I pondered it and pondered it. Today I realized why it has been hanging around. When things are not the way they should be, it is inevitable that we we will change them. And change them is what I did! A few words of advice~DO NOT-I REPEAT DO NOT SCREW WITH ME OR THOSE I CARE ABOUT~YOU'LL REGRET IT! I went on a tangent and took it upon myself to straighten some things out. Well I guess I should say I did what I had to do to make some situations better. Did I handle it right? Probably not. Did I feel better after I did it? Oh hell yes! Are things in motion? Yup! I'm done being a bystander!!! I have it back and it's here to stay! That's right, I found my courage. Years ago I said what I felt and did what I wanted without thought of consequences. What changed? It was then that I realized that we lose some of our courage the first time we tell another that we love them. My sister and I have talked about this quite a lot lately and have realized it is at that moment that we begin to feel fear. Fear of rejection, fear of hurt and fear of the unknown. Over time the fear lessens but it is still there lurking just waiting to rear its head. I caged that monster and went on a tangent!:) To those caught in the crossfire~please forgive me but its time. To those that deserved it~picked the wrong redheads this time didn't ya?!!!! Looks like a hell of a ride while I'm just trying to figure it out...........

Sunday, June 20, 2010

My DaD

As today got closer and with all the things that have been going on, I have been feeling down. Last night I went out and celebrated with friends passing my RN boards. I have to say I had one hell of a good time!!! If there is one thing me and my girls can do, its have a good time! I actually danced in a cage with a pole in it last night;) It was wonderful! But the days leading up to this celebration have been overshadowed by recent events and with Fathers Day nearing. Not any more!!!! You know what? I freakin passed my boards! That was no easy task for me. I retook a class 3 times. Yes, 3 times:) I have so much to look forward to. I have family and friends that are there no matter what the need is. There will never be a word to describe how I feel about the people in my life that have been there for me always! And oh how I miss my Dad. It has been 5 years but I still miss him, he was my hero. I know that will never go away so I have decided to only think of all the fun we had together. Ive been remembering our yearly trips to Elko for Dads bowling tournament. The many many barbecues at the pool that usually ended in a food fight. The way Dad chewed his food~those that know Cookie know exactly what I mean. lmao! I remember the first time Dad lovingly held Sara and said" God your as beautiful as your mother." I remember the tear in his eye as he walked me down the aisle. I think of the special bond he and Zach had~you know, that love hate thing:) But most of all, I remember his hug. There has never been a time that I have felt more safe and loved then when Dad would hug me. Those hugs just made everything disappear for just a little while. What I wouldn't give for one of those hugs now! I know it would protect me while I'm just trying to figure it out.........

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Take me as I am.....

So tonight I did something I may regret forever. I shared my blog address with someone that may not like what they read. I cannot believe I put myself in a position to be so vulnerable and wonder and wait again. What did they think? Will they ever talk to me again? Will it make me more cautious of what I put in my blogs in the future? Oh hell, what have I done?!!!! Lately I ask myself that question on a daily basis. This has always been my freezone! Im pretty sure my “better judgment” has gone on vacation. Or am I just finding the balls and courage that Kevin took from me? I hope I'm getting my balls back cuz I cant deal with anymore bad decisions this year!
So if I'm being honest, these are some things Ive wanted to say:

"Meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was a choice, but falling in love with you was beyond my control."

“Love is when you shed a tear and still want him, it's when he ignores you and you still love him, it's when he loves another girl but you still smile and say I'm happy for you, when all you really do is cry.”

“Yeah, I miss your smile. But I miss mine more...”

“The same girl who laughs and talks a lot and seems very happy is also the girl who may cry herself to sleep...”

“I know I don't have the prettiest face for you to look at and I don't have the skinniest waist for you to hold, but I promise you, I have the biggest heart to love you with.”

”Nothing hurts more than realizing he meant everything to you, but you meant nothing to him.”

“Sometimes I wish I could go back to the day when I met you and walk away.”

“I might not be the most beautiful or the sexiest...Nor have the perfect body...I might not be anyone’s first choice....But I am a GREAT choice...I don't pretend to be someone else....Cause I'm too good at being ME...I might not be proud of some of the things I've done ....but I'm proud of who I am today. Take me as I am...”

To those who take me as I am~thanks friend I love you too. Thanks for understanding that I am just trying to figure it out……..

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Rain, Rain.......

I have to admit that I just love the rain! This is cuddle, baking, movie and family time weather:)To be honest, I really really love the pre-storm weather. When the wind is blowing and there is that hint of storm in the air~I just get this feelin:) I usually have to go walk in the park or get in my car with the windows down and my music a blaring (I know, I know that's nothing new:})and get on the freeway and just drive. With the wind a blowing and singing to the radio I am at complete ease. There have been nights that Sara and I have circled the valley several times on the freeway just enjoying this weather. I don't know why but this weather always brings back memories of my teenage years. I think it is probably because at the end of the summer is when us teenagers were more daring and would sneak out at night and roam the neighborhood. Remember those nights Shauna? Good times, good times! The cool end of summer nights is what it reminds me of. Sometime I long for those lost summer nights and other times I am sooo glad I don't have to go through those years again. I guess I kinda am reliving those years with my kids huh? I don't care what age you are, toilet papering is still a riot.(hope I never have to explain to the police why a middle aged woman is out toilet papering with her kids!!) Think Ill go sit on the balcony and enjoy this weather while I'm just trying to figure it out........

Monday, June 14, 2010

I DID IT!!!!

YESSSSS! YESSSSS! As of today I am officially a Registered Nurse!!!! This was a long hard road that I completed all on my own. Only those that I am the closest with know exactly how hard this road was. I am so looking forward to all the celebrations over the next few weeks with my friends and those that have always been there for me. Yes, this celebration will last for weeks! I have to admit this is a bitter sweet celebration. There are 2 men that I wish could celebrate this accomplishment with. I DID IT DAD!!!! I really did it! God I wish you were here to share this with me. I miss you so much! You will never know how much I want one of your hugs:( Just to hear you say “ I knew you could do it Bubs!” Thanks for guiding me through Dad. And of course, I had hoped to celebrate this with Chris. Just 2 weeks ago he said he wanted to celebrate with me. I had hoped we could celebrate in Vegas. Looks like my next Vegas trip is the one planned over Thanksgiving for Sara’s 21st birthday. Ill make new Vegas memories then. I will enjoy my celebrations with loved ones and friends but it won’t be the same. I keep thinking how he once said to me”Marianne you are the only one that has not given up on me.” I hope he knows I never will! I accepted his moods, his funks, his past, and all his insecurities and just loved him for who he was. I tried in every way to make him happy. I will always be there if and when he ever needs me. I miss his smile, his blue eyes and his encouragement. How can my heart ache so much? I just miss him….....
But for now, I DID IT!!!! I really did it!!!! Let the party begin!!!!

Sunday, June 13, 2010

My Tillie

I don't think any accomplishment, gift, love or friendship will ever compare to the soul touching love I have for my children. They say we pick our parents~I can never repay my children for picking me! Over the last few years I have had my share of struggles and I just could not of made it through them without my girlfriends, son and especially my Tillie. My daughter has the heart the size of Alaska! In my darkest hours and in my brightest moments she is always there, cheering, encouraging and comforting! Back when I was working 2 full time jobs and would come home long after the kids had gone to bed, I would finally crawl into my own bed and would quite often find a note tucked under my pillow. Tillie would write letters of encouragement telling me how proud she was of me and how strong she thought I was. Even though they usually brought me to tears, they also gave me the determination to succeed and make a better life for those kids. Well, 3 years later things are much better and Tillie is still there, cheering, encouraging and comforting!!! I want her to know how proud I am of her and all that she has accomplished! When I look at her I always think to myself "My daughter is the new improved version of me. She is who I would be if I'd thought about who I was going to be before I became who I am." Thank you Tillie for picking me to be your Mom. You will never know how thankful I am to have you with me while I'm just trying to figure it out.........

Friday, June 11, 2010

The Girls

I can not even begin to tell you how much fun I have when I get together with the girls! It doesn't matter what we are doing, we have loads of fun doing it. It is amazing how different yet similar we are. The women that come together are from different family lives and different economic backgrounds. Bring us all together with drink and song and we all become alike! We all laugh, drink, dance and complain:) Alcohol, Appetizers and Henna at Missy's house was a freakin blast. Not only did we get a buzz on, numerous laughs and great Henna tattoos, we wound up booking a pole dancing class. Now that's gonna be a PARTY!!!! I really hope everyone has this kind of support group. I love these women and thank my lucky stars everyday that they are in my life. To each of you ~ Thanks for being a part of my life and making me laugh, sing and dance while I'm just trying to figure it out!!!!

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Was it worth it?

Well tonight I finally met with Chris and told him how I was feeling. I asked him why he didn't feel as though he could tell me that he was seeing someone else. Mind you I have NEVER been angry with him. There is no way he could not have known that I love him and only want him to be happy! He answered "I knew it would change things and I didn't want things to change." Well neither did I babe but the post changed everything! I asked what he was planning on doing and he said just avoid the situation. Yes, besides that I asked. He said he was just gonna avoid the situation and keep me on the back burner. He then proceeds to tell me this is not someone he sees himself with long term, she is just fun right now. Was it worth loosing the best friend that ever happened to you for a little fun? Do friendships mean so little to you? How could you do this to me? Was there ever a time I wasn't in it for you? As we were ending our conversation and I was crying he states "I'm gonna have to do this all over again." What the HELL? Why ruin what we had for something that isn't where you see yourself? Nothing he said tonight gave me the resolution I was looking for. He was so apologetic and nice. I couldn't even bring myself to yell at him! I still wanted to protect him from any pain! I think its time I learned to start protecting myself! Even with all of this said and done, when it comes down to it I still want him....... I would forgive him and start all over trying to make him happy.... But for now Ill start healing my heart and spirit and try to answer all the why's~ while I'm just trying to figure it out!!

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Pride and things remembered

So it is Gay Pride weekend and the activities are endless. Tonight Mandy and Erin invited me to the White party at the Moon. I didn't really feel like going but I had promised Erin I would so I went. Ran into Collet and she was looking great! Athena and Justin were working and I got to visit with them for awhile. Jordan actually showed this time and he was hilarious! We danced our buts off. We laughed and messed around and met new people. We all agreed that "what happens at the moon, stays at the Moon!" I think we all got to meet a new side of each other tonight. lmao!! Erins girlfriend is not 21 so she couldn't come out with us but she agreed to be Erins driver. At closing time Erin is informed her driver is at home drunk and now she needs a ride. I am not drinking so I take her home. She lives in South Jordan and it is quite the drive. I deliver her home safe and sound and begin my trip home. Driving late at night all by myself my mind of course turns to Chris and the crap that has happened. I'm in my own little world remembering things I did with Chris and the fun we had in Vegas and on the 4th of July. We actually really did have a lot of fun together:) I reach for a CD and swerve into the other lane. I correct myself and continue on. I look in my rear view mirror and what do I see? Oh yes my good friend the highway patrol with his lights a going!! He ask me the normal questions and runs my license. All I can think about is this fat ass trying to do a sobriety test alongside the freeway at 2 am:( He warns me on driving safely and lets me go. With my driving record what are the chances I would find the 1 Highway Patrol man that is not an asshole? So I head home listening to the CD that got me in trouble and letting my thought go where they shouldn't. Apparently I shouldn't be driving while I'm just trying to figure it out........

Thursday, June 3, 2010

His smell........

Today I actually thought I was going to have a good day. I thought I had cried all the tears I was gonna cry! I am sure by now those tear ducts must have run dry! Well, think again! I kept myself busy the whole day, I moved patients from Friday to today, just so I stayed busy. My good friends call or text all day to see how I am and if there is anything they can do. They all say the same thing "He is a piece of shit and you deserve so much better Marianne." As mad and as hurt as I am, I really SHOULD agree but I don't. I miss him! Agreed the way he went about things was extremely cruel and hurtful to say the least!!!! But there was something about him that drew me to him and made me fall in love with him. I got to see parts of him that others didn't. He shared alot of his secrets with me. The truth of the matter is it is not his fault he couldn't love me, it just is what it is. As a wise friend has reminded me, you cant make someone love you..... So, Kim, Lilli and myself head to the mall for our nightly walking and I decide that with the new thinner me I am getting to be I also need a new fragrance. We go into Dillards and finally settle on something I think is suitable for this spunky 40 something year old. Lilli was good so we said she could sit in the front seat of the car with the big girls. As I am cleaning out the armrest to lift it up so Lilli can sit in the middle, I found a perfume sample. I open it to see what it is and get some on my fingers. Yup, it was a sample of True Religion I had gotten to smell when I was missin him~ its his smell and sexy as hell!! Well, that ended my dry spell, the tears haven't stopped since! There is nothing he could do or say that could ever take away how deeply he hurt me and how cruel he was. But that still doesn't stop me from missing the person I fell in love with. From wishin things were different, wishing he would just call and say "I miss you lets do lunch." This one sure as hell is gonna take a long time to figure out.........