Sunday, September 11, 2011

Great Men Of My Life

Thought it was time to put my thoughts in writing again so here goes…

I was recently told that I have bitterness toward men and it has started to affect other parts of my life and is very apparent to the naked eye! I disagree, I think I'm just a cautious realist! I have written several times about the wonderful women in my life so today I will do the same for the wonderful men that have come and gone from my life.

Dad, my hero! Your words of encouragement, unconditional acceptance of who I am and your safety net hugs helped me to become the person I am today! Thank you for allowing me to find my own path and catching me when I fell. I miss you every day of my life!

My brothers:

Chris, as big brothers go, you are pretty awesome. You never say much but when you do its wise words. You’re not afraid to tell me to pull my head out of my ass or to get over myself. Your practical joke always leave me smiling and usually with flesh wounds. Lol

Scott, you try to act such a bad ass but you always melt when it comes to your sisters. Thanks for all the times you snuck me out and let me “hang” with the older crowd. You introduced me to the wild side of life while keeping a protective arm around me the whole time!

Shawn, who ever thought during all those years of you tormenting me that we would be this close as adults? The secrets we share with each other and the knowledge of knowing my deepest darkest secrets are safe with you gives a sense of security that warms my heart. Your tender loving hugs come close those of Dads!!

David, you are the first person to awaken my motherly instinct. You were so tiny and fragile when you were young that I always felt a need to protect you. We have so much fun no matter what we are doing. You build my confidence and support my crazy ideas. You are a great role model to my children and I thank you for that!

Men of my heart:

Ricky, you gave me my first kiss! And 2nd, 3rd, 4th……You introduced me to butterflies in the stomach.

Bryan, oh, this is a big one! You made me feel special! You whispered such sweet words in my ear! You were my first love, lover and first heartbreak:( You awakened feelings and senses that have lasted throughout the years. I am so glad we are still in touch and on a friendly basis.

Brad, my first adult love. You taught me what a real relationship was all about. We experienced many great adventures together. You were my first “what if” relationship. We parted in haste and immediately felt regret. You came back into my life at a time when I needed you the most. Thank you for still being here and loving who I have become.

Kevin, there was a time you were the love of my life. You introduced me to passion, commitment, adventure and family life. You gave me the 2 greatest kids anyone could ever ask for. You made me feel beautiful even at my worse! I grew into a confident outgoing woman with you by my side. To this day you still proclaim your love and compliment my mothering skills. I grew in a different direction and you were a casualty of my decisions. Thank you for letting me experience love, trust, commitment, motherhood and family!

Chris, you let me know I am able to love again! You awakened feelings I never thought I would feel again. You helped me find my courage again. You made me strong in ways you will never understand. You let me again see the tender side of a man.

Zack, you allowed me to be the crazy Mom that I am! You allowed me to teach you the skills to become the confident, strong, sensitive, tender gentleman every woman dreams of. You encourage me to be the best I can be! I'm so proud of you son!!

Do I still love these men? I will always have a little love in my heart for all of them; they all brought something to my life. Do I regret the relationships? Hell no! They helped me get to where I am today. Am I lonely? Sometimes. Do I miss having someone to just sit and hold hands with? I do. Am I looking forward to a hot, passionate, torrid love affair? Oh HELL YES! Am I actively looking for a relationship? No, I'm happy working on me and my wants right now while having a little fun with friends. Will I ever love again? Only time will tell. Until then, I’m loving life while I’m just trying to figure it out!!!!

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Lies, Empty Promises And My Unmendable Heart

There comes a time when you have heard "I'm sorry" so many times that it doesn't mean anything anymore. There comes a time when "Ill try to do better" is unbelievable.

There comes a time when you realize they truly are selfish. There comes a time when you realize you have been used.

There comes a time when even if you are telling the truth, its thought to be a lie. There comes a time when your promises are just empty words.

There comes a time when you realize nothing will ever be the same. There comes a time when you realize you just cant help them.

There comes a time when your heart just cant possibly break anymore. There comes a time when you realize nothing will mend your heart.

There come a time when you realize you have to remind yourself to breath. There comes a time when you realize you don't deserve this.

There comes a time when you have to let go.....That time is today......please understand I'm just trying to figure it out.......

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Always worth it!

As a mother I do everything I can to try and set an example for my children. I try to teach them right from wrong and good from bad. I teach them to share and have compassion for those in need. I teach them to not judge no matter how hard it may be. I assure them that even though we go through good times and bad that things will always work out. What I didn’t realize was the influence my relationships have had on my children.

I have some friendships that are decades old and stronger than ever. I have made new friendships that are almost as strong. I see in my children that they have learned the importance of making and keeping great friendships. Both kids have longtime friendships and newer ones. It makes me proud that they saw these in me and understood their importance. I would be nowhere without the support I have received from these wonderful people!

I learned something today from my daughter. ALL my relationships have had an influence on her. She has told me she is scared to date and maybe start a relationship. After watching my failed marriage and subsequent relationship and those of other family members she doesn’t want to experience the hurt she has seen her loved ones and friends go through.

This revelation broke my heart. Sara is a beautiful, funny, compassionate young woman with the world at her fingertips. She has so much to offer the right guy. She needs to understand there is no guarantee things will last forever but that shouldn’t stop you from making lasting memories in the mean time.

Yes, unfortunately after 22 years of starting a family and many life experiences I chose to end my marriage. Just because it ended doesn’t mean it wasn’t worth it. I gained 2 extraordinary children and years of happiness. I had years of feeling like the luckiest most beautiful woman in the world. I learned to trust and to not trust. I grew in ways that are immeasurable. I had years of experiencing what it took to sustain a relationship. Yes it hurt when it was over and it took 3 years before I opened my heart again. My girl watched the myriad of feelings I encountered and the eventual hurt that decision caused. It may have hurt in the end but I don’t regret one minute of it. I got to love someone and let them feel love. How could that not be wonderful? I had some wonderful times and made lasting memories.

Love doesn’t come with guarantees! It is the scariest yet most powerful feeling anyone will ever experience. You will NEVER in any other situation feel such ecstasy and pain all rolled into one! As my P.I.C once said to me “You cant have the rainbow without a little rain!” Please don’t be scared my baby girl!!! Its so worth all you could ever imagine and more Sara :):)

Maybe we can help each other along as we are just trying to figure it out……..

Saturday, February 19, 2011

~ This and That ~

Have the need to purge – nothing in particular but everything in general. Might get ugly so hang on and enjoy the ride =)

I am who I am! If you don’t love all of me, you don’t deserve any of me! The door is right behind you.
I love my kids more than words can describe!!!
I am so over the price of gas!
I love when I get butterflies in my stomach.
I enjoy receiving and performing practical jokes =)
I don’t always do what I’m suppose to.
I love a good summer storm!!
I love driving fast and singing at the top of my lungs.
I love the smell of a freshly showered man.
I love letting my hair blow in the wind.
I am SOOO looking forward to fishing this year!
I will always protect the underdog.
And just for Shay Shay, I am Legend. lol

The fastest way to piss me off is say something derogatory about my children or family. I regret not being more aggressive in pursuing what I want. I wish I could just DO IT!! I struggle to overcome the insecurities burned in my soul from the lies those that I trusted and loved told. I miss that feeling of familiarity. I’ve learned that holding grudges just rob you of your energy and making new memories. It took me 20 years to find the perfect perfume smell for me and only family members know what it is because I don’t want anyone else to wear it!! I smell beautifully unique and I'm not gonna share it! As much as I bitch about my ex-husband, I will always love him for helping me get the 2 greatest things I ever did! Sometimes in the middle of the night I take turns standing and watching my kids sleep ~ god their beautiful!

I hate it when people can’t make up their minds. I hate judgmental people. I hate hearing the same story over and over and over again!!I hate that I can’t make everything better for my loved ones. I hate when friendships have to end =( And why oh why can’t I get that smile out of my head? Sometimes I wish the right thing was what I wanted for a change.

Oh I feel much better. Now I can concentrate on just trying to figure it out =)