Is it for a Reason, Season or Lifetime?

People come into your life for a Reason, a Season, or a Lifetime.....

When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do.....

When someone is in your life for a reason, it is usually to meet a need
you have expressed outwardly or inwardly. They have come to assist you
through a difficulty to provide you guidance and support you physically,
emotionally or spiritually. They are there for the reason you need them to
be. Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
this person will will say or do something to bring the relationship to an
end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they just walk away. They say we must
realize that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is
done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move
on. What if I disagree? What if I feel there is more to learn?

When people come into your life for a season, it is because your turn has
come to share, grow, or learn. They may bring you an experience of peace,
make you laugh or teach you how to love. They may teach you something you
have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of happiness.
So believe it! It is a real friendship, love or acquaintance! But only for a
season! How can it be happy if I am losing a friend, family or lover?

Lifetime relationships teach us lifetime lessons, those things we must
build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Our job is to
accept the lesson, love the person or people and put what we have learned
to use in all other relationships and areas of our lives. It is said that
love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant. Of all the words of tongue or
pen, the saddest are these..... it might have been.

They say people come into and out of our lives for a reason. Do you ever
wonder when a person leaves your life if they were in it for you or you were
in theirs for them? I have thought about this quite a lot lately. It’s hard
when you have someone in your life that you care about then they are gone.
Were they there to teach me a lesson or were they there to learn something
from me? Are the people that are still in my life either bad teachers or bad
students so they get to stay?

What about when a person leaves your life only to return to bring comfort,
love and friendship? Am I to be on guard because this relationship already
has a history of ending?

To the wonderful people in my life.....thanks for being here, I love you
and thank you for allowing me to be me:) Hope our lessons are mutually
beneficial.

To those who have come back into my life.....what took you so long? Just
kidding! Thanks for coming home!! I need you, love you and hope our
journey together last a lifetime! :)

To those that have left my life.....oh how I miss you! If you can, lets
work on it. Together there are endless possibilities, adventures and
lessons we can learn!!!

Friends, Family and the One you Love.......

How many times have you lashed out in anger? The people we love the most are the ones that can hurt us the most thus evoking the strongest reaction. Why does it seem as though 1 simple little word spoken can break your heart AND make you mad as hell? I know there have been several times I have lashed out with very hurtful, hateful things when I have been hurt by someone I care for. These things are usually said to my best friend Paula, My P.I.C. Missy, Sara, Kim, Ginger or David ~ my main support group:)

I'm not going to lie, I have said very very mean things out of hurt. I have told secrets, sworn it was over and called people awful names. I got so mad at my sister in law that I did not speak to her for 3 years. Didn't solve a thing but she hurt me and I lashed out by not talking to her.

More often than not, I make up with whom ever it was that hurt me. My temper tantrums are short lived and I now actually admit to maybe taking things the wrong way:) But that doesn't erase the things I have said to my friends and family. When things are said and done, the people I have said something to are now pissed off at the person that hurt me because they care for me and don't like to see me hurting. The awkward thing is that you don't want these people to have bad feelings against the person you love because you have made up.

When I am the confident, I say mean things about the person that did the hurting and usually want to hurt them for hurting someone I care about. Then they make up and I am left with my own angry feelings for that person. But in all truth, we only have the right to be upset that our loved one is hurting.

We all say things out of hurt, but we also forgive. Love has a way of making us forgive even the worst of actions. But friends and family are still mad at our love.Its kinda a catch 22, we want them to be on our side and hate them when we do but then we want them to forgive them and love them again the way we do. It isn't always easy.

Thank you my friends and family for always listening when I have been hurt and say the awful things I do in trying to ease my pain. But I ask that you remember they are said in my time of HURT and don't always relay my true feelings, its just my need to let my hurt be known. As a friend we need to learn to be there to support our friends and family through WHATEVER it is they are experiencing. Even when they have been hurt deeply but are still in love with that person and hang onto the hope of making up. Or even when we go back to a love that tore our heart out.......

Offer your advice, but remember it is my heart that is hurting and is making the decisions. If I can find it in my heart to forgive than you should to. Please don't judge, there is only one person that has to live with the decisions made. At the end of the day, I am the one that has to live with the decisions I have made. I am the one that will pay the price. If I am happy, celebrate with me, if I am sad, hand me a tissue. A true friend is just there, no questions asked while I'm just trying to figure it out..........

Music soothes my soul....

Music soothes my soul...... Sometimes it feels as though the music is part of me, telling my inner most secrets. I so love how music can set my mood. When I'm starting my day and need a little lift or getting ready to go out and need some warm up dance music or if I am feeling nostalgic or just need a damn good cry, music can give it all to me!

We have music playing in our home from the time the 1st person is up until the last ones goes to bed. My music appreciation has grown and changed over the years. To me there is nothing better than a night of friends and cocktails while dancing to the oldies! But I have also come to love a lot of rap, pop, rock and reggae. Who ever thought I would be able to sing an entire Eminem or Jay-Z song?

Mornings in our home always start with music, a cup of Jo, singing and usually Sara and I dancing in the bathroom as we do our hair. Not only does this start my day in a good mood it is a bonding time for me and my girl. The moves and giggles that happen during that time are definitely YouTube worthy. lmao

Now my son likes the harder stuff~ he introduced me to Illusions and it is one of my favs. I'm not saying he hasn't also learned to appreciate my oldies, I still get a tickle when I am listening to a oldie and he asked who sings it then I hear him listening to it in his room.

I personally want to thank apple for inventing the IPOD. All 3 of us have one and they all are used regularly. When we all take a walk together there is usually 3 different songs playing on our IPOD's. Zack and Sara usually have them in their ears while I am driving just in case I am in the mood for something they don't feel like listening to.

Music really does soothe this savage beast! And it helps me think and feel while Im just trying to figure it out........

On the go......

Ya know most days I am on the go from the time I get up til I hit those sheets in the wee hours. I wouldn't say I am accomplishing great things during this time, I am just busy doing a little bit of everything. It seems as though there is always something going on. I have been to more concerts just this year than I have been to in the last 5 years. Thanks for your contribution Missy:) We took Ginger to her very 1st concert ever ~ John Mayer! Not only is he sexy as hell, his songs speak to me! I gained a new appreciation for Red Butte Gardens. What a great place to see a performance. I look forward to the few more I will be seeing this year.

The races were awesome this year! We went to the night of fire on Saturday and had a great time. Even though the races are great, I think socializing with all the friends that come along means so much more. Trina and Clay and their kids joined us this year for the 1st time. My P.I.C Missy and her trooper Miss Ivy were just to much fun:) Tiffany and Nick are always fun no matter what we are doing! (And we do some strange stuff. lol)


Trying to get my house in order is gonna take awhile!! I took a 4 day weekend so I could get things organized and wound up sleeping almost the entire 4 days. Thats some serious shit coming from an insomniac:) Guess constantly being on the go finally caught up with me. I must admit that the new house and some hormone therapy has helped me finally get several good nights of sleep. Looks like me and the Sandman are together again. lol

Today I finished work early and took my Zack to the doc. His acne no longer stands a chance! And it looks like Ill be gettin my lips done for Christmas:):):):) I came home and made a big pan of Chili~mm mmm good I tell ya. My home smells wonderful! After dinner me and the kids will do a little more planning for the big Vegas trip over Thanksgiving for Sara's 21st birthday. Looks like all our close friends are going with us!! We may need an entire floor for just our peeps. Vegas will never be the same...

But for tonight, I'll just sit and enjoy my home, kids, friends and family while I'm just trying to figure it out.......

Instincts......

You know that feeling you get the first time you see a person that you really care for after you have a falling out? You are never really prepared for the flood of emotions! If you know me, you know I am always prepared. This is the case in this situation also. I knew I would probably have to see Chris today as he works for the same company as I do. It has been over three months since I have seen him. I was not quite sure how it would make me feel, but I was pretty sure it would not feel good. So……I knew when he would be coming into the office today so I positioned myself so I could see him but he would not be able to see me. I admit I wanted a head start on getting my emotions under control! He pulls in and gets out of his truck right in front of me and I get a good long look at him. Believe it or not I didn’t hurt the way I had thought I would. Yes, it hurt that I could not touch him like I use to or have that playful banter. I was hurt but my instinct to take care of him kicked right in. He looked tired and worn out. Instinctively I wanted to wrap my arms around him and soothe away all his stress and worry. Instead I watched him walk in the building and I drove away to see my patients. I’ve had the day to ponder my feeling and have concluded I still love him enough to only want him to be happy, even if it’s not with me. One day I am sure he will realize he let the perfect one slip away. The one that didn’t think there was anything wrong with him, the one that accepted his past and present and just loved him for who he is. I hope I can still be this calm when we actually speak to each other in person! If it stirs up all the emotion I was preparing for then Ill just have to go sit on the porch with a cocktail while Im trying to figure it out……

Changing Season

How I love this time of year. The temperature outside is almost perfect. The chill in the air as the sun sets is soothing against my skin. The light breeze that is just strong enough to tickle your hair makes me sigh. It seems as though this is the time of the season when things slow down a little bit. The kids are back in school and summer vacations have come and gone. I spend more time outside now than I did all summer. I really don’t know how I survived this long without the haven of my backyard. Next year I plan to get a hammock and a tree swing. I don’t think it can get any better than that. (Well, maybe a pool with a Cabana boy and a hot tub but other than that…….) For some reason this time of the year always makes me just stop and appreciate who and what I have. It’s hard to believe Fall is almost here! What a year this has been so far. I have lost track of all the “first” I have experienced this year. Some have been exhilarating and some have truly been a bite in the ass. I have many more “first” planned for the next few months and I hope they all feel as good as it does when I put RN behind my name. The one I am looking forward to the most is the free fall off the Stratosphere in Vegas with Sara:):) What an experience that will be!! And following in a close second is spending the holidays in my house. Thanksgiving will be here this year right before we leave for Vegas. And Christmas has always been a special time. What “first” will I experience as a surprise and what “first” does the next year hold? Guess i'll just sit in my haven swinging away as I'm just trying to figure it out……………

A dying art........

I do believe there are a few men left in this world that are actually gentlemen. What happened to the good old days when a man would hold your chair, open the door for you, carry your bag and allow you to walk in front of him? It’s a dying art I tell ya! I have several male friends and they are all true gentlemen. One friend is very much a gentleman and you never would of guessed it with his long hair:) This man opens every door, carries all the bags, lets me order first and always made sure I was safe. Today I watched a gruff biker that was in front of me in traffic that would reach back and hold onto his ladies leg when he was gonna gun it. It made my heart sing! A simple action but one that spoke loudly! I bet he is a true gentleman. The other day I was meeting a friend for lunch and arrived early so I sat in my car texting and catching up on paperwork. I was blown away that in a 30 minute time frame 4 gentlemen came over to see if I needed any assistance. Gives me hope chivalry is making a comeback. Do you think they have any idea how utterly sexy it is? Should we tell em ladies? Naw, then it wouldn’t mean as much. I have always taught my son to be a gentleman. He opens the door for all the ladies, including his mamma and always allows the women to go first. Hopefully he will grow into a real gentleman! To those men who display this sexy trait I say a big Thank You, you sexy thing for making us girls feel special for just a little while. Maybe the rest can come sit on the back porch with me listening to the waterfall as we are trying to figure it out……

Madly in love.......

How did I live without you for so long? I am madly in love! With my house.. lol. At first I wasn’t all that in love with her but the kids were happy and felt at home. Day after day I fall a little more in love with her..yes it’s a her, there is no way a male could be this comforting:) I could sit in my back yard forever. The yard is completely secluded from the neighbors~yes I have ventured out there with not much on just because I could! It feels as though I am in the mountains next to a stream. Everyone that comes over winds up back there. I was planning on getting a Hummingbird feeder to attract them until I found they love the flowering vine that has grown up my chimney and are there already. The Bluebirds bath in the pond and Im sure there is a squirrel or two out there. Sara, Zach and I have spent many nights cooking together in the kitchen then lounging in the front room. Now as for that tub……..OMG! It’s a jetted tub for 2. I grab a good book, a fresh cocktail and jam those jets. I may not be able to solve the world problems, but that tub sure washes them away for awhile. I finally feel at home, my home:) The kids are again hangin out at my house. The sound of them laughing or just lining up for dinner is pure magic to my ears!! Home, home is where I can be who I am and feel great doing it. All are welcome at my home, this home, the home where I am just trying to figure it out….

The best friend ever

Today I lost the best friend I ever had!!! My Sugar Pie has been with me for almost 15 years. Sugar loved me unconditionally and I loved her in return. She didn’t care if I gained a few pounds or if I didn’t have any make up on. Hell all I had to do was be there and she was happy. What will I do without her? Who is gonna just “know” when Im feeling down or uncertain? She always did! If I was struggling, there was my Sug. She would snuggle up against me and give me kisses. She just was ALWAYS there watching and waiting for my attention. Sugar didn’t really have anything to do with my Dad until he got cancer. The day Dad came home from the hospital Sugar took her spot next to him and stayed until Dad was cancer free. On nights when the kids didn’t feel well Sug would either sleep in bed with them or stay in their room just keeping an eye on them. Her motherly love included everyone. We took in some orphaned Ducks one time and she tried to nurse them. She tried to mother and love everything. I will never find another companion that will take such good care of me. You were the best my Sugar Pie!!! You will live in my heart and thoughts forever……

The simple things in life

The simple things in life~ Are you like me, so busy is your day to day life that you forget how much joy the simplest of things make you? Laying in bed the other night listening to the waterfall I also heard the crickets. I haven’t fallen asleep to the sound of crickets in years. I felt so relaxed and calm just listening to those sounds. The simple sound of my daughter laughing or my son saying “I love you Mom”. Its nothing out of the ordinary but it gives me such pleasure. Holding hands~ahh it’s a simple action but one that can crinkle my toes! The sound of rain hitting the roof or my window, the smell of a summer rainstorm. And what about that beautiful rainbow after the storm? Watching a Hummingbird drink from a feeder, the smell of puppies breath, my Dads hug. There really is nothing special about these things but the feeling I am left with is one of joy and comfort. Breakfast in the Canyons, lunch with my best friend or my sister calling just to say “I love ya sis.” The simplest task or action can make me feel so warm and fuzzy. When did I lose sight of that? I think its time I slowed down and spent more time with the simple things. Looks like the fishing pond will be a great place to be while I’m just trying to figure it out…..

Second Hand Cougar

Damaged goods……. My sister and my PIC have both stated this is what we are. Yes we are all single. In the relationship area we have some minor issues. There are some things that we are scared of, won’t accept, can’t forget and are down right confused about. This constitutes us being damaged? Show me a person that has not been affect by their past and I will give you a million dollars. Being hurt, lied to, cheated on, abused, used and degraded by someone that proclaims their love and trust is bound to leave a few scars! I don’t like being labeled as “Damaged Goods”! I will admit I no longer trust the opposite sex, I still have a heart that can’t believe he could be so cruel. And well quite truthfully I don’t think I will ever allow a relationship of more than friends with benefits to ever take place. I just can’t leave myself open to that kind of hurt again. Am I damaged? No, I am the result of life experiences. Am I all shiny and new? Am I full of innocent hope for the fairytale ending? Do I still believe in magic? I believe there is a chance two people can find happiness with each other and live very fulfilled lives. No I am not all shiny and new, I am the result of life experiences that did not live up to the fairytale ending I had hoped for……I guess you could say that instead of “Damaged Goods” I am just a Second Hand Cougar. Lol! I think I like that a whole lot better!

Its me.......

Hi, it’s me……..so exactly who is me? How well do you really know me? Do we ever really know another? For those that do know me you know that I am very nosy and curious. I get to know people pretty well by asking non stop questions. If I want to know something, I ask~ even if it is none of my business. Face it; I just want to know:) Robert calls me the “Interrogator” because I don’t stop until I get my answers:) I love people ~ all people. Sometimes I just sit and people watch. People’s histories fascinate the hell out of me. Its fun to learn what journey brought a person to where they are. Do you ever look at a person and automatically judge just by their appearance? I have. Not proud of the fact but I have. So how many people have judged me by my appearance? Well I say “I am more than you know and more than you will ever know, simply because you never took the time to know.” By Rocky Williams. How many have not bothered to look beyond my tough exterior to see the tender heart that lies inside? How many have never noticed the tears that have fallen when someone I love is hurting and I can’t fix it? How many have walked away because I scared them with the truth? Does anyone know that this tough girl cries herself to sleep more often than not? What do you see when you look at me? Do you see the friend in me that will sacrifice whatever it takes to help in your time of need? Do you see the mother that has dedicated the last 21 years to guiding her children to be the best they can possibly be? Do you see the woman that will love and protect with everything that is in me? Have you ever taken the time to just sit and ask someone “how are ya? Is there anything you need?” This is who I am and what I do. I love with a passion, and I hurt with that same passion! Take the time to get to know someone~it may lead you to a friendship that is priceless. I will continue to love, protect, watch and ask my questions while I’m just trying to figure it out…….

Home Sweet Home

I am finally saying goodbye to apartment life and moving into a home! Boy what a year of changes this has been. I have spent the weekend painting our new home. It is so exciting that Sara and Zack finally get to have the rooms they have always wanted. Sara with her pink and brown girly room, me with my lipstick red wall and Marilyn theme. Zackman still isn’t sure exactly what he wants so white walls it is. My kitchen is red and white and the front room is no longer green. The pond is clean and the waterfall is running. I can open my bedroom window and hear the sounds of the waterfall~simply heaven I tell ya! I can again grow houseplants and weed the garden. What a pleasure it will be to not have Zack and guest hunt for a parking spot!!! No more stomping, yelling, smoking neighbors! (above or below me at least! Lol) I am looking forward to decorating the rest of the rooms and finishing the movie room downstairs. The holidays are gonna be so much fun to decorate for this year!! I have to say this accomplishment coupled with receiving my RN is a great feeling. Thank you to the wonderful friends that are always there willing to indulge me in my crazy ideas….(even when they think I’m nuts:}) Now I can sit in the swing on my porch and listen to the calming sounds of the waterfall as I’m just trying to figure it out………..

I thought I was done with school.......

I am going to start this post by stating the obvious….I am a AWFUL driver. Yes I admit it freely! I am easily distracted, I sing, I do a little danc:), I study, do paperwork, eat, program my GPS, talk and yes, god save me I text!!!! But what I really like to do is drive REALLY REALLY FAST!!!! So how is it that with this special talent I wind up with a job that has me driving all day long? Oh ya, I am also an insomniac. Not quite sure why the sandman is so mad at me. Was it something I said? lmao . There is only so much you can do in the middle of the night! I have looked at every vacation package possible online, cant clean or I’ll wake Sara and Zack. Facebook just isn’t the same for me anymore and crossword puzzles are no longer a challenge. So that leaves driving:) Most of the time when I am driving I have somewhere that I have to be or am short on time. At night there is nowhere I have to be and no one to answer to. I get in my car, turn the radio up loud, roll down the windows, let my hair blow in the breeze and hit the freeway. I never know where I am going or where I will end. I drive really fast and go really far. Tonight I wound up in the beautiful Park City. I didn’t realize how fun that Canyon drive is at night. There is nothing that relaxes me or clears my mind better than these drives. I generally take these drives 4-7 times a week. In all this time I have never been pulled over…. again, these drives are done at high speeds. No it is always when I least expect it that Mr. Law comes calling. That’s right, I got another speeding ticket on my way to work. I’m not saying I wasn’t speeding, Im just saying it pisses me off. I thought I was finally through with school…nooooo traffic school here I come. I need to clear some points off my record:) Is the $45 and 2 hours of my time worth the pleasure those drives give me? That’s actually something I HAVE figured out………HELL YES!!!!

Minds Eye

Plan: A scheme, program, or method worked out beforehand for the accomplishment of an objective, a proposed or tentative project or course of action.

My thought of the day, it may be worth something it may be worth nothing! I’ve been having a struggle in my mind of how I came to be where I am in life. For the most part, I honestly have a good life. I have 2 beautiful children that make me want to be the best me I can possible be, I have a job I love doing, I have the best friends a girl could ask for and I have a family that loves and supports me despite my flaws:) But by looking forward I think the worst mistake I’ve ever made or anyone can make, was planning my life! I think some of the bad moments would not have been as bad if I hadn’t had them "set" in my minds eye of how I thought it was suppose to work out. Have you ever not fully enjoyed a good outcome simply because it was not the outcome you planned?
Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying that you should not set a goal that’s something completely different. I just think that a lot of the disappointments we feel in the outcome of situations come more from the image of how we want something rather than the fact of it not working out. This is not a negative statement, it’s simply an observation. I have even forced certain things or given them a helping hand and they worked out great, just not how I pictured them to be. Maybe I over think things, maybe I just need a good night’s sleep, maybe the fumes finally got to me (just kidding) who knows? Gives me something to think about while I’m just trying to figure it out……………

Its back and its staying:)

"Because things are the way they are, things will not stay the way they are." I don't know why but this quote has been running around in my head for several months. It would pop into my thoughts at the oddest times. It has been in my thoughts for the last few days. I pondered it and pondered it. Today I realized why it has been hanging around. When things are not the way they should be, it is inevitable that we we will change them. And change them is what I did! A few words of advice~DO NOT-I REPEAT DO NOT SCREW WITH ME OR THOSE I CARE ABOUT~YOU'LL REGRET IT! I went on a tangent and took it upon myself to straighten some things out. Well I guess I should say I did what I had to do to make some situations better. Did I handle it right? Probably not. Did I feel better after I did it? Oh hell yes! Are things in motion? Yup! I'm done being a bystander!!! I have it back and it's here to stay! That's right, I found my courage. Years ago I said what I felt and did what I wanted without thought of consequences. What changed? It was then that I realized that we lose some of our courage the first time we tell another that we love them. My sister and I have talked about this quite a lot lately and have realized it is at that moment that we begin to feel fear. Fear of rejection, fear of hurt and fear of the unknown. Over time the fear lessens but it is still there lurking just waiting to rear its head. I caged that monster and went on a tangent!:) To those caught in the crossfire~please forgive me but its time. To those that deserved it~picked the wrong redheads this time didn't ya?!!!! Looks like a hell of a ride while I'm just trying to figure it out...........

My DaD

As today got closer and with all the things that have been going on, I have been feeling down. Last night I went out and celebrated with friends passing my RN boards. I have to say I had one hell of a good time!!! If there is one thing me and my girls can do, its have a good time! I actually danced in a cage with a pole in it last night;) It was wonderful! But the days leading up to this celebration have been overshadowed by recent events and with Fathers Day nearing. Not any more!!!! You know what? I freakin passed my boards! That was no easy task for me. I retook a class 3 times. Yes, 3 times:) I have so much to look forward to. I have family and friends that are there no matter what the need is. There will never be a word to describe how I feel about the people in my life that have been there for me always! And oh how I miss my Dad. It has been 5 years but I still miss him, he was my hero. I know that will never go away so I have decided to only think of all the fun we had together. Ive been remembering our yearly trips to Elko for Dads bowling tournament. The many many barbecues at the pool that usually ended in a food fight. The way Dad chewed his food~those that know Cookie know exactly what I mean. lmao! I remember the first time Dad lovingly held Sara and said" God your as beautiful as your mother." I remember the tear in his eye as he walked me down the aisle. I think of the special bond he and Zach had~you know, that love hate thing:) But most of all, I remember his hug. There has never been a time that I have felt more safe and loved then when Dad would hug me. Those hugs just made everything disappear for just a little while. What I wouldn't give for one of those hugs now! I know it would protect me while I'm just trying to figure it out.........

Take me as I am.....

So tonight I did something I may regret forever. I shared my blog address with someone that may not like what they read. I cannot believe I put myself in a position to be so vulnerable and wonder and wait again. What did they think? Will they ever talk to me again? Will it make me more cautious of what I put in my blogs in the future? Oh hell, what have I done?!!!! Lately I ask myself that question on a daily basis. This has always been my freezone! Im pretty sure my “better judgment” has gone on vacation. Or am I just finding the balls and courage that Kevin took from me? I hope I'm getting my balls back cuz I cant deal with anymore bad decisions this year!
So if I'm being honest, these are some things Ive wanted to say:

"Meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was a choice, but falling in love with you was beyond my control."


“Love is when you shed a tear and still want him, it's when he ignores you and you still love him, it's when he loves another girl but you still smile and say I'm happy for you, when all you really do is cry.”

“Yeah, I miss your smile. But I miss mine more...”

“The same girl who laughs and talks a lot and seems very happy is also the girl who may cry herself to sleep...”

“I know I don't have the prettiest face for you to look at and I don't have the skinniest waist for you to hold, but I promise you, I have the biggest heart to love you with.”

”Nothing hurts more than realizing he meant everything to you, but you meant nothing to him.”

“Sometimes I wish I could go back to the day when I met you and walk away.”


“I might not be the most beautiful or the sexiest...Nor have the perfect body...I might not be anyone’s first choice....But I am a GREAT choice...I don't pretend to be someone else....Cause I'm too good at being ME...I might not be proud of some of the things I've done ....but I'm proud of who I am today. Take me as I am...”

To those who take me as I am~thanks friend I love you too. Thanks for understanding that I am just trying to figure it out……..

Rain, Rain.......

I have to admit that I just love the rain! This is cuddle, baking, movie and family time weather:)To be honest, I really really love the pre-storm weather. When the wind is blowing and there is that hint of storm in the air~I just get this feelin:) I usually have to go walk in the park or get in my car with the windows down and my music a blaring (I know, I know that's nothing new:})and get on the freeway and just drive. With the wind a blowing and singing to the radio I am at complete ease. There have been nights that Sara and I have circled the valley several times on the freeway just enjoying this weather. I don't know why but this weather always brings back memories of my teenage years. I think it is probably because at the end of the summer is when us teenagers were more daring and would sneak out at night and roam the neighborhood. Remember those nights Shauna? Good times, good times! The cool end of summer nights is what it reminds me of. Sometime I long for those lost summer nights and other times I am sooo glad I don't have to go through those years again. I guess I kinda am reliving those years with my kids huh? I don't care what age you are, toilet papering is still a riot.(hope I never have to explain to the police why a middle aged woman is out toilet papering with her kids!!) Think Ill go sit on the balcony and enjoy this weather while I'm just trying to figure it out........

I DID IT!!!!

YESSSSS! YESSSSS! As of today I am officially a Registered Nurse!!!! This was a long hard road that I completed all on my own. Only those that I am the closest with know exactly how hard this road was. I am so looking forward to all the celebrations over the next few weeks with my friends and those that have always been there for me. Yes, this celebration will last for weeks! I have to admit this is a bitter sweet celebration. There are 2 men that I wish could celebrate this accomplishment with. I DID IT DAD!!!! I really did it! God I wish you were here to share this with me. I miss you so much! You will never know how much I want one of your hugs:( Just to hear you say “ I knew you could do it Bubs!” Thanks for guiding me through Dad. And of course, I had hoped to celebrate this with Chris. Just 2 weeks ago he said he wanted to celebrate with me. I had hoped we could celebrate in Vegas. Looks like my next Vegas trip is the one planned over Thanksgiving for Sara’s 21st birthday. Ill make new Vegas memories then. I will enjoy my celebrations with loved ones and friends but it won’t be the same. I keep thinking how he once said to me”Marianne you are the only one that has not given up on me.” I hope he knows I never will! I accepted his moods, his funks, his past, and all his insecurities and just loved him for who he was. I tried in every way to make him happy. I will always be there if and when he ever needs me. I miss his smile, his blue eyes and his encouragement. How can my heart ache so much? I just miss him….....
But for now, I DID IT!!!! I really did it!!!! Let the party begin!!!!

My Tillie

I don't think any accomplishment, gift, love or friendship will ever compare to the soul touching love I have for my children. They say we pick our parents~I can never repay my children for picking me! Over the last few years I have had my share of struggles and I just could not of made it through them without my girlfriends, son and especially my Tillie. My daughter has the heart the size of Alaska! In my darkest hours and in my brightest moments she is always there, cheering, encouraging and comforting! Back when I was working 2 full time jobs and would come home long after the kids had gone to bed, I would finally crawl into my own bed and would quite often find a note tucked under my pillow. Tillie would write letters of encouragement telling me how proud she was of me and how strong she thought I was. Even though they usually brought me to tears, they also gave me the determination to succeed and make a better life for those kids. Well, 3 years later things are much better and Tillie is still there, cheering, encouraging and comforting!!! I want her to know how proud I am of her and all that she has accomplished! When I look at her I always think to myself "My daughter is the new improved version of me. She is who I would be if I'd thought about who I was going to be before I became who I am." Thank you Tillie for picking me to be your Mom. You will never know how thankful I am to have you with me while I'm just trying to figure it out.........

The Girls

I can not even begin to tell you how much fun I have when I get together with the girls! It doesn't matter what we are doing, we have loads of fun doing it. It is amazing how different yet similar we are. The women that come together are from different family lives and different economic backgrounds. Bring us all together with drink and song and we all become alike! We all laugh, drink, dance and complain:) Alcohol, Appetizers and Henna at Missy's house was a freakin blast. Not only did we get a buzz on, numerous laughs and great Henna tattoos, we wound up booking a pole dancing class. Now that's gonna be a PARTY!!!! I really hope everyone has this kind of support group. I love these women and thank my lucky stars everyday that they are in my life. To each of you ~ Thanks for being a part of my life and making me laugh, sing and dance while I'm just trying to figure it out!!!!

Was it worth it?

Well tonight I finally met with Chris and told him how I was feeling. I asked him why he didn't feel as though he could tell me that he was seeing someone else. Mind you I have NEVER been angry with him. There is no way he could not have known that I love him and only want him to be happy! He answered "I knew it would change things and I didn't want things to change." Well neither did I babe but the post changed everything! I asked what he was planning on doing and he said just avoid the situation. Yes, besides that I asked. He said he was just gonna avoid the situation and keep me on the back burner. He then proceeds to tell me this is not someone he sees himself with long term, she is just fun right now. Was it worth loosing the best friend that ever happened to you for a little fun? Do friendships mean so little to you? How could you do this to me? Was there ever a time I wasn't in it for you? As we were ending our conversation and I was crying he states "I'm gonna have to do this all over again." What the HELL? Why ruin what we had for something that isn't where you see yourself? Nothing he said tonight gave me the resolution I was looking for. He was so apologetic and nice. I couldn't even bring myself to yell at him! I still wanted to protect him from any pain! I think its time I learned to start protecting myself! Even with all of this said and done, when it comes down to it I still want him....... I would forgive him and start all over trying to make him happy.... But for now Ill start healing my heart and spirit and try to answer all the why's~ while I'm just trying to figure it out!!

Pride and things remembered

So it is Gay Pride weekend and the activities are endless. Tonight Mandy and Erin invited me to the White party at the Moon. I didn't really feel like going but I had promised Erin I would so I went. Ran into Collet and she was looking great! Athena and Justin were working and I got to visit with them for awhile. Jordan actually showed this time and he was hilarious! We danced our buts off. We laughed and messed around and met new people. We all agreed that "what happens at the moon, stays at the Moon!" I think we all got to meet a new side of each other tonight. lmao!! Erins girlfriend is not 21 so she couldn't come out with us but she agreed to be Erins driver. At closing time Erin is informed her driver is at home drunk and now she needs a ride. I am not drinking so I take her home. She lives in South Jordan and it is quite the drive. I deliver her home safe and sound and begin my trip home. Driving late at night all by myself my mind of course turns to Chris and the crap that has happened. I'm in my own little world remembering things I did with Chris and the fun we had in Vegas and on the 4th of July. We actually really did have a lot of fun together:) I reach for a CD and swerve into the other lane. I correct myself and continue on. I look in my rear view mirror and what do I see? Oh yes my good friend the highway patrol with his lights a going!! He ask me the normal questions and runs my license. All I can think about is this fat ass trying to do a sobriety test alongside the freeway at 2 am:( He warns me on driving safely and lets me go. With my driving record what are the chances I would find the 1 Highway Patrol man that is not an asshole? So I head home listening to the CD that got me in trouble and letting my thought go where they shouldn't. Apparently I shouldn't be driving while I'm just trying to figure it out........

His smell........

Today I actually thought I was going to have a good day. I thought I had cried all the tears I was gonna cry! I am sure by now those tear ducts must have run dry! Well, think again! I kept myself busy the whole day, I moved patients from Friday to today, just so I stayed busy. My good friends call or text all day to see how I am and if there is anything they can do. They all say the same thing "He is a piece of shit and you deserve so much better Marianne." As mad and as hurt as I am, I really SHOULD agree but I don't. I miss him! Agreed the way he went about things was extremely cruel and hurtful to say the least!!!! But there was something about him that drew me to him and made me fall in love with him. I got to see parts of him that others didn't. He shared alot of his secrets with me. The truth of the matter is it is not his fault he couldn't love me, it just is what it is. As a wise friend has reminded me, you cant make someone love you..... So, Kim, Lilli and myself head to the mall for our nightly walking and I decide that with the new thinner me I am getting to be I also need a new fragrance. We go into Dillards and finally settle on something I think is suitable for this spunky 40 something year old. Lilli was good so we said she could sit in the front seat of the car with the big girls. As I am cleaning out the armrest to lift it up so Lilli can sit in the middle, I found a perfume sample. I open it to see what it is and get some on my fingers. Yup, it was a sample of True Religion I had gotten to smell when I was missin him~ its his smell and sexy as hell!! Well, that ended my dry spell, the tears haven't stopped since! There is nothing he could do or say that could ever take away how deeply he hurt me and how cruel he was. But that still doesn't stop me from missing the person I fell in love with. From wishin things were different, wishing he would just call and say "I miss you lets do lunch." This one sure as hell is gonna take a long time to figure out.........

Heartless Soul

What is it that can make a person perform actions that leave a person feeling as though their heart has been ripped right out of their body? You know the actual feeling that you can no longer breath? Your mind goes blank and you cant form a logical thought. When you realize that no matter what is said or done things will never be the same? I have posted before about the man Chris that I have been kinda seeing for awhile. I just blogged about how he has been in a funk. Well come to find out, that's code for " I have been seeing someone else". And to put the cherry on the pie, he heartlessly informed me by posting "Chris Butler is in a relationship" on Facebook. I actually didnt breathe for a good 5 minutes when I read that! When I finally speak to him he at first trys to blow it off then then admits he has "kinda been dating Brooke a woman I work with." God was I hoping he would tell me he was just joking around. Now even putting aside the feelings I have for him, as the good friend he claims me to be, I DESERVE way better than this. How can someone that I fell in love with be so heartless in this decision? No words can ever describe the pain my heart felt when I read that post!!!!He said he was sorry and that as soon as he posted it he regretted it. FUCK that! He could of said something a long fucking time ago!! Ive never given him reason to think he couldn't tell me anything! Just last week we made plans to go to Lagoon together and also talked about another Vegas trip. Friends don't do this to friends. I am the best friend that man will ever have. There was nothing I wouldn't have done for him! He wants to be friends and still wants to go to Lagoon. My head is literally spinning in circles! Now that I have let it sink in and have come to terms with how down right heartless and cruel he was to me, I want to meet with him and really let him see how bad he has hurt me! See the pain in my eyes. How could the person I thought I knew do this to me? Am I really that bad? Again I stop and wonder why was I unlovable? Why am I just not the one? Will he ever realize what I really had to offer? How great we could be together? This one will take on a whole new meaning to "just trying to figure it out!"........

Choices, Decisions and Actions

Choices, Decisions and Actions. When given the choice, how do we decide what the right decision is to take action on? What is it that clicks and makes us decide what we are going to do? What makes us take the action to pursue our decision? I have pondered this and realized as much as we "think" about things ultimately its our heart that decides for us. My heart has been torn between what I love and what is best for me. Why cant it be the same thing? I think its gonna be a while before I figure it out....

Its time to put these feeling to print once again! I haven't written in a while because I have had so much running around in my head that I just didn't know where to start. So this is what needs to be let out today! I love someone and that someone is not in a state of mind to return the favor. What is his malfunction? I'm not tooting my own horn, put I think I am a pretty damn good catch. Yes I may be overweight but there is so much more to me! I am a doting person by nature and do even more for the person I love. If I disclosed all the things I have done for this man my friends would knock the shit out of me! Chris goes into a funk and doesn't talk to me for 2 weeks - oh yes, 2 weeks and this is just usual actions when he is in his funk. Finally he calls and acts as if nothing was wrong. Of course it brought back all those feelings I had been working on tucking away. Why does my heart have to be so damn stubborn? Guess Ill start the recovery process all over while I'm just trying to figure it out......

Amazing Women

This blog is dedicated to the beautiful, talented, caring, courageous, smart, amazing women in my life. I don't know how I would make it through a day without you women. People always make fun of the relationships women seem to have with each other but unless you are a woman that has some of these relationships you could not possibly understand. 1st- to my beautiful daughter Sara, thank you for choosing me to be your Mom. Thanks for being my strength when I had none! I am thankful for your spirit, smile, tenderness and mostly for making me laugh every day! Kim, do you remember writing these words to me...all things, all places, all times, us? What more can I say? You have saved me more times than I care to count. Always sissy! Missy-my PIC. You make me laugh, cry, scream and ride a bull. lol. Thanks for the shoulder and the words my friend! Ginger-you give me sanity! When I think I'm done, you remind me who and what I am, why I do what I do. You give me hope that things will always work out......
Mom, thanks for bringing me into this world and letting me become who I am. Paula- there is nothing about me or that I have done that you don't know and you have never judged me for it. You seem to know what I need and when to give it. I love you ladies! You all believe in me even when I don't believe in myself and I thank you! Please be with me while I'm just trying to figure it out..........

Chris - will, why and when?

I have talked myself out of writing this blog so many times I have lost count! The whole reason I started this thing was to say what I needed to say. So here it is in all its glory! I'm not gonna hold it in any longer! My ex husband is a one of the most selfish human beings I have ever met! I spent 22 years catering to his every whim. By nature I am a pleaser so this wasn't a stretch for me. I enjoy making people happy. After my divorce nothing made "me" happy. Half my life had been spent making someone else happy and when that was gone I felt lost, my whole world was different. Slowly after 3 years I got to know "me" and started living, laughing, playing and finally loving again. Yup, I let myself love someone. Why? I still don't understand. He is not someone I am usually attracted to but he just got to me. So it begins....I spend day in and day out doing things to try and make him happy, make things better and easier for him. In December I drove to his home in Lehi 11 nights in a row delivering 12 days of Christmas gifts to him and his son. Is it returned? Oh hell no! Does this deter me? Oh hell no. Why is that? Stock answer "In time he will learn to love me." Why do women become retarded when they fall in love? How can I allow a man to walk all over me and still give him my heart, body and soul? I have worked harder on this relationship than I did trying to save my marriage. Am I so unlovable? Am I damaged in some way? Why cant he love me? Will there ever come a day when Chris realizes what could be and what I am? Will there ever be a day when he's not on my mind from the time I wake up til I finally cry myself to sleep? Will he ever realize that there is nothing I would not have done to make him happy? Will my heart ever be the same? Will he ever know how I really feel? Yes, again I know I'm an idiot! And so here I sit waiting while I'm just trying to figure it out......

Visions of Suagarplums

My PIC(Missy) did a blog about men and dating today. I can relate to every word she wrote. Why does it have to be so flippin hard? Feast or famine she wrote...aint that the freakin truth. It seems when you are with someone men come out of the woodwork and show interest. On the days your not seeing someone and sitting on the porch talkin to your glass of Wine, there's not a male for miles. They say women are complicated..I don't think so! Men wrote the book on complicated! I love you but...I just don't know if I'm ready...You deserve someone better...blah blah blah. In other words your great but I think there just may be something better out there. Here is a little secret~we are good bitches! If you don't want us to be your bitch, there's plenty of others that do! And when you look back and say "I shoulda married her" you will be absolutely correct! Its not that hard people!!! Grow some hair, make a decision and go for it! Maybe someday we will all figure it out......

Distracted....

I don't know why but I just cant seen to focus the last few days. I have a mound of paperwork to finish and studying to do. Am I doing either? Hell no! Am I getting any sleep? Hell no! Again my mind is wondering to places that it shouldn't and not turning off at night. When will it end? Some will be over in May when I am finally done with nursing school:) MAKE IT STOP! I am so tired of wondering and waiting. A friend said to me "People only treat you the way you allow them to treat you". It really made me mad when he said that-but as I thought about it I realized he is exactly right. I love and trust this person completely-why cant he be the one? I think he has seen more tears and given more hugs to me than my ex-husband:) I just don't see him that way:( Why cant we control our hearts? Yes, there are days when I tell myself how pathetic I am! Get over him, you know deep down he will never be what you want him to be! I guess I'll just have to keep doctoring my heart while I'm just trying to figure it out....

Good Times.....

What a great weekend! I spent yesterday Easter shopping with the kids then went out with my friends. I have several groups of friends that truly are very different from each other. Somehow most of these friends have all become friends of each other on Facebook. They may not have ever spoken to each other in person but have bantered and teased through text. When all was said and done, there was a group of 17 of us. I even met a friend for the first time in person. It was so much fun watching all these people grow their friendships and have a good time. Now, about that damn Bull!! I rode that thing some ** years again and did pretty damn good.....not so last night! I don't think I lasted 8 seconds:) Nothing got hurt other than my pride! My sister, cousin and PIC(Missy) all rode it and did just as poorly. We are middle aged, what the hell were we thinking? We were thinking exactly what we are always thinking....."What the hell, lets do it!" lmao. The night ended with laughs, hugs, kisses and lasting memories. Today brought an array of bantering on FB and comments of what a great time it was and how we must all do it again soon. Tonight I headed to my brothers for a BBQ. By the end of the night we were all laughing so hard we had tears in our eyes. At one point I could not catch my breath:)Fun times like this and the happy afterglow make it so much easier to face those days when its not so much fun. I hope to continue these happy times while Im just trying to figure it out.....

Margaritaville

Do you ever visit Margaritaville? Or land of the Deathstar? Or Kamikazeville? I find myself visiting these places more and more ofter. Once I get there I feel all warm and tingly...but after a few hours, I start to feel everything I traveled to these places to forget. Me and a good friend have traveled to these places several times recently both hoping to escape. We usually find a small period of time that nothing matters then all hell breaks loose. By morning we are still trying to forget AND have a headache! You would think a nice trip would help with a good nights sleep. Oh absolutely NOT! If I ever run into the Sandman you can be sure Im gonna be kickin his ass. How do you turn off your mind? How do you stop replaying things said or imagining things that could be said? Where is that magic switch or potion? I guess I'll keep trying different combination's while I'm trying to figure it out.........

So....Im not sure if I should just jump right in or slowly walk in. If you know me, you know I'm jumping in. Today is a day that I'm feeling a little spunky! I enjoy the bantering I have with some friends on Facebook and love the time spent with them. It seems I can always log out with a smile on my face:) I cant quit thinking of Chris. He has worked his way into my heart. The bummer is he doesn't know how far into my heart I have let him. There was only one man in my heart for 22 years and somehow this guy touched me, I want to make life better for him and show him what a true relationship can be like. Its scary feeling this way about someone again. How do I tell him I think we would be great together? It seems we all want that special relationship and someone to share life with....so why oh why does it have to be so freakin hard to get to that point? One day I'll spill it and hang on..........

Today

This is my first official blog. I think I will start by explaining why I chose to blog. They say it is therapeutic to write down your feelings. I tend to agree. It seems that no matter how much you love and trust a person you still hold back saying all that you feel for fear of being judged. Here I will never know what or when things were read. Does anyone really know the real me? I think people have a pretty good clue as to who and what I am but there is still a little part of me that will forever be tucked away safe and sound as to never be hurt. I'm just a simple girl living a simple life trying to figure it out.........