Friday, April 2, 2010

Chris - will, why and when?

I have talked myself out of writing this blog so many times I have lost count! The whole reason I started this thing was to say what I needed to say. So here it is in all its glory! I'm not gonna hold it in any longer! My ex husband is a one of the most selfish human beings I have ever met! I spent 22 years catering to his every whim. By nature I am a pleaser so this wasn't a stretch for me. I enjoy making people happy. After my divorce nothing made "me" happy. Half my life had been spent making someone else happy and when that was gone I felt lost, my whole world was different. Slowly after 3 years I got to know "me" and started living, laughing, playing and finally loving again. Yup, I let myself love someone. Why? I still don't understand. He is not someone I am usually attracted to but he just got to me. So it begins....I spend day in and day out doing things to try and make him happy, make things better and easier for him. In December I drove to his home in Lehi 11 nights in a row delivering 12 days of Christmas gifts to him and his son. Is it returned? Oh hell no! Does this deter me? Oh hell no. Why is that? Stock answer "In time he will learn to love me." Why do women become retarded when they fall in love? How can I allow a man to walk all over me and still give him my heart, body and soul? I have worked harder on this relationship than I did trying to save my marriage. Am I so unlovable? Am I damaged in some way? Why cant he love me? Will there ever come a day when Chris realizes what could be and what I am? Will there ever be a day when he's not on my mind from the time I wake up til I finally cry myself to sleep? Will he ever realize that there is nothing I would not have done to make him happy? Will my heart ever be the same? Will he ever know how I really feel? Yes, again I know I'm an idiot! And so here I sit waiting while I'm just trying to figure it out......


  1. Girlfriend, there is nothing wrong with you, the issues are all his. Remember, we cannot change anyone else, the only thing we can change is our reaction to them. Take back control sweetie and find someone who will love you for the wonderful, beautiful, loving woman you are. No more compromises, this time is for you. I love you my friend and I know this dance you do because I do the same one. It's time for us to figure it out, together!

  2. mom... what you feel is real, and i think your daughter is in the same boat... How can we give our heart and everything we have trying to love some one who for some reason... won't let us in... missy is right, we need to take back the control we have lost because of this crazy little thing called love. we will find him soneday i feel it!! I love you mom! we can do this together! <3 <3